I woke up this morning to a text from one of my buddies that said, in all caps, “YO THE ANACONDA VIDEO QERADFADFAXCA.” I can only presume that he watched the video, had a stroke, and died arguably the most pleasant death of all time. So, before brushing my teeth, I saddled up and decided to watch the video that killed my friend.
I knew it was going to be a rollercoaster ride when I started to feel weird about watching the video with the sun out. The fucking sun, guys. Part of me felt that I needed to watch this in an unlit basement between the hours of 11 p.m. and 3 a.m. It also felt like something that I had to watch on BET Uncut in 1999 when I was 90% sure that my parents were asleep. That’s when it hit me; I was going through puberty all over again. I think. I really don’t know anything anymore.
“Hey Dub, I’m just going to play drums on this girl’s ass and fuck your life up in the process”
Oh sweet, Nicki. Thanks.
Whatever happened to my hormones in the late 90s – early 2000s has officially been replaced/repressed and thrust into the back of my brain. Britney Spears in a school girl outfit in ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time?’ Dead. Christina Aguilera acting like a ho in the ‘Dirty’ video? So dead (but put up quite the fight). Beyonce bouncing her ass in the ‘Crazy in Love’ video? Those pants were FAR too baggy–dead. All that remains is: DAT ASS.
(nothing about this body makes sense)
So yeah, I can understand why my friend died. I also understand that I can’t watch this video again in the daylight ever again. There is something inherently wrong with watching an ass filled with Jello pudding clap all over the place while you can hear the sound of school children playing outside. I have to be better than that.
On a hilarious note:
Drake finds new and creative ways to redefine the friend zone. Every time you think he’s done, he kicks it up a notch. Keep taking shots down field in triple coverage, bruh. One of those throws will get connect eventually, but probably not.
Oh, the song? The song is trash juice. One of the worst things I’ve heard this year. But you know what? None of that matters because…DAT…ASS.
a shy young man will start college this week, have some young lady grab his arm when “anaconda” comes on and have his life changed. watch.
— Bomani Jones (@bomani_jones) August 20, 2014