Bars are a lot like church – there are priests (bartenders) who deliver holy sacraments (beer) and eventually some old drunk is going to try to touch your butt. But like most churches, bars have a tendency to be ruined by the people who worship within them. These are the people nobody likes, the ones who turn a fun night out into something more akin to a test of will. And in order to better equip you to survive that test, we thought you’d bring you this handy guide. It will let you know exactly what to watch for so that you don’t get stuck dealing with one of these 11 people at the bar that everyone hates.
11 The Loudest Man in the World
What You’ll See: An overgrown manchild who doesn’t understand the concept of volume control. He has an opinion about everything and will end up being the center of attention – whether you like it or not.
What You’ll Hear: “Let me tell this story again, I don’t think the dudes in the bathroom heard me. Oh, and get me another beer. Did you hear me? YO, BARTENDER!”
Why We Hate Him: He ends up drowning everything – and everyone – else out, you have to hear his shitty stories and horrible jokes, and the more he drinks, the louder he gets until finally he’s just shouting at everyone in the bar, who just have to sit there and uncomfortably take it or risk him going all Hulk, Smash on everyone.
10 The Cheapskate
What You’ll See: Either a dude passively sitting back until one of his bros begrudgingly agrees to pay the tab, or a parasite lurking around the bar, waiting for an over-exuberant drunk too out of it to say no when he asks him to buy him a drink.
What You’ll Hear: “Hey man, I’ll get you back the next time. It’s just [insert excuse #168]”
Why We Hate Him: This one’s pretty obvious. No one likes hanging out with a leech. But at his worst, the cheapskate approaches something predatory. He’s like a dude who waits to pick off the drunkest of the drunk, and then takes advantage of them, only its free beers he’s after. Shameful.
9 The Alpha Asshole
What You’ll See: This is a hybrid of both the loud guy and the cheapskate. He’ll hover, half drunk and vaguely menacing, bullying anyone and everyone to buy him a beer or dance or whatever the hell he wants to do.
What You’ll Hear: “C’mon, just buy me a beer. You’d do it if you were a real friend. Yeah, I know we just met, but so what, don’t be an asshole. Look, I can be an asshole too, but I’m trying to be cool. Just buy me a beer.”
Why We Hate Him: This guy’s a dick. He goes through life getting his way because he just wears people out. He’s almost a sociopath. He feels no guilt, and will do whatever it takes to get his way. He’ll be your best friend or he’ll be your worst enemy. Whatever it takes.
8 Sloppy Joe
What You’ll See: An embarrassing waste of a man stumbling all over himself and his friends, puking in corners and making a scene until a bouncer has to carry him out.
What You’ll Hear: “Get off me, I’m fine. Didja hear me? I said I’m fine,” followed by an ineffectual swing that vaguely looks like a sad attempt at a punch, and then crying and vomiting.
Why We Hate Him: He’s an embarrassment to dudes everywhere, and as amusing as he is for a brief moment, he quickly becomes tedious as he refuses to leave and ends up carrying on like a petulant three year-old. Even his friends hate him by the end of the night.
7 Sloppy Jill
What You’ll See: Basically the same as the Sloppy Joe, only more dramatic, and accompanied by crying – both hers and her friends, who will somehow act like it’s the fault of everyone else in the bar that their friend can’t handle her shit.
What You’ll Hear: “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Oh my god, that guy just laughed at me.” “Were you laughing at our friend? Asshole…”, crying, more crying, dramatic declarations that make the whole thing seem as serious as the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Why We Hate Her: This one doesn’t even get the chance to be amusing because it’s just so irritating. And worse, there’s a good chance that you’ll end up taking heat for it even though you’re just an innocent bystander. It’s like a malfunctioning nuclear weapon. The nearest safe-zone is miles away, and even then you’ll probably just die from the fallout.
6 The Monopolizer
What You’ll See: Some asshole who thinks the bartender is his own personal servant. He’ll spend all night ordering drinks and then talking the bartender’s ear off, no matter how busy it gets, and no matter how long the wait is.
What You’ll Hear: “Yeah, so anyway, I lost that account, but I think I’ve got a lead on… blah blah blah. Oh, and can I get another one when you get a chance?”
Why We Hate Him: This is a dude who shows no awareness for basic social etiquette. He’s a selfish asshole who takes the whole bartender as therapist thing a little too seriously. Nobody wants to have to deal with their buzz wearing off just because it takes an hour to get another drink thanks to jerk of the month over here.
5 The Judge
What You’ll See: A snob who spends all night critiquing everyone else’s drinks, usually passive-aggressively.
What You’ll Hear: “Ooh, are you sure you want to go with that? Why don’t you try the ’87 Fartsniffer? It has a hint of oaky flavor, which is offset ever so slightly by the ground up pineal gland of an inbred hamster. Now, this gives it a certain sweetness, which…”
Why We Hate Him: Look, man, we just want to relax with a nice simple beer. We’re not looking for a religious experience. We just want to get drunk, and while you might turn your nose up at watery beer, guess what? That just makes it easier to down so we can get to the next one. Coors Light all day, son.
4 The Creeper
What You’ll See: This is the dude who spends all night hitting on every woman who walks through the door. And the drunker he gets, the creepier and handsier he gets.
What You’ll Hear: “Oh, don’t be like that, baby. Come on, just dance with me. I’ll buy you a drink and then we’ll see what happens, okay? What… this? No, baby, these are just Tylenol. There’s no need to… oh, well, if you’re gonna be a bitch…” Cut to two seconds later. “Hey, how you doin’? Oh, her? Yeah, don’t worry about her. I just wasn’t feelin’ her. Let me get you a drink…”
Why We Hate Him: This asshole ruins it for everyone else. He’s the reason why women don’t feel safe, and why dudes can’t so much as smile without worrying that it will be taken the wrong way. He’s fucked everything up. And oh yeah, he’s also probably a sex criminal of some sort, which isn’t exactly the most lovable of qualities.
3 The Fighter
What You’ll See: A drunken idiot who takes everything as a personal slight and winds up trying to fight half the bar while the cops show up and start taking names.
What You’ll Hear: “What did you just say? Come on, bro, you talkin’ shit? Let’s go! LET’S GO!!!”
Why We Hate Him: No one wants to have their fun night out end with a recreation of a UFC fight. But even before things get violent, this dude will spend all night killing the vibe, threatening anyone and everyone who looks at him the wrong way, laughs (it doesn’t matter what you laugh it, he’ll think it’s about him because he’s secretly got a three inch dong), or even thinks about smiling at his girlfriend, who will just stand around, looking hot, making everyone wonder how he landed her, until the punches start flying and she freaks out and starts clawing eyes out and screeching like a howler monkey.
2 Joe Camel
What You’ll See: Some jerk who ignores the one million no-smoking signs and lights up anyway because it’s his right, bro!
What You’ll Hear: “Fuck it, man, I’m too drunk to care. If they have a problem with me smoking in here, then they can stop me. But shit, man, what happened to personal freedom? Is this Russia?”
Why We Hate Him: Aside from giving us cancer, we’re not too big on smelling like an ashtray. You might find it hard to believe, but people generally don’t find eau de bum’s ass an appealing fragrance. Look, it’s cool if you want to smoke, but take that shit outside. Yeah, yeah, we get the whole smoky bar cliché, but how would you like it if we just walked over and farted right in your drink? I say this as someone who used to smoke in bars, so I get it, man. I do. But get a grip. Times have changed.
1 The Woo Girls
What You’ll See: Woooooooooooooooooooo!!! Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
What You’ll Hear: “Wooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”
Why We Hate Them: Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Wooooooooooooooooooooo!!!