What to watch tonight: ‘Survivor’, ‘America’s Got Talent’ season premieres

America’s Got Talent premieres tonight and this one time, a lady used her boobs to crush things. That’s not talent ma’am, that’s stupidity. Boobs are for milking and touching and caressing and sucking and I forgot what we were talking about.

Survivor @ 8pm, CBS: This is the 27th season of Survivor. A far cry from the days of Richard Hatch and future sextape star Jenna Lewis.

America’s Got Talent @ 8pm, NBC: One day, someone with a real talent will win this. Like a woman who can queef on command. That’s noteworthy.

The Bridge @ 10pm, FX: Only on the third episode, don’t tell me what happens you guys!

Duck Dynasty @ 10pm, A&E: Because ‘Merica!

Key & Peele @ 10:30pm, Comedy Central: One of Comedy Central’s best shows and certainly one that doesn’t get the hype it deserves.

Jimmy Kimmel Live @ 11:35pm, ABC: Auto share because Aaron Paul is on.