Much like the radioactive slime running through the sewers of their fictional city of New York, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie posters are slowly oozing onto the internet.
Much like the stuff in the New York City sewers, they are absolute shit.
Remember that time when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie didn’t look like it was going to happen? Yeah, let’s go back to there. These new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie posters reveal three characters — Michelangelo, Leonardo and Raphael — and each one looks like Michael Clarke Duncan on a steady diet of Shasta, Cronuts and children’s souls.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie characters kill for fun
This Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is a kid’s movie right? I know, it’s also made for fan boys and the children of the 90s who now have money to spend, but ultimately this franchise is supposed to attract the humans yet to grow pubes. Right? Well, I’ve got one of those things (a kid, not a barren pubic area) and he’s absolutely shat his britches at the sight of these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie posters.
Does Michelangelo look like pizza-loving, wisecracking hero in a half shell? Hardly. He looks like he’d bash a nunchuk upside the pizza delivery guy’s head for being a minute late. Leonardo will cut a bitch as soon as he figures out how he ended up in Buffalo, New York in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie poster. What’s Raphael looking down at from the building top? A way to quench his thirst for dead hooker blood.
These are not your father’s ninja turtles kids. These are murderers in a half-shell.