Experimentation is a part of becoming a man. I mean haven’t you ever wondered what it would feel like to have those coarse wiry hairs dangling all over your lips or to have that ultimate symbol of manliness spread all over your face? Yes, growing a beard is a rite of passage for every man. Wait… what did you think I was talking about? But you should all know that whenever you decide to experiment with facial hair you are making a statement to the world, whether you realize it or not. And because we care about you and what you choose to spread all over your face, we here at Guyism have decided to give you all a helping hand on your road to manhood (Not that kind of hand. Not this time, anyway…) with this helpful guide, which explains what these 16 different types of facial hair say about you.
16 Circle Beard
What This Says About You: That you like the idea of having facial hair, but you’re not really willing to commit completely to the idea. You’re fairly middle of the road, probably pretty boring and there’s a good chance you at least dabble with the acoustic guitar.
Typical Quote: “Kurt Cobain was just so, like, you know, wounded. Say, why don’t you take off your shirt while we rap some more?”
15 Five O’Clock Shadow
What This Says About You: That you think you look rugged, but you think you’re too good looking to grow a full beard. You want people to think you’re a man without thinking that you’re Hillbilly Jim. Either that or you’re just really lazy.
Typical Quote: “I’m thinking about waxing my chest but I want to keep a little strip. You know, just something for the ladies to admire.”
14 Horseshoe Mustache
What This Says About You: That you really, really want people to think you’re a badass. You probably own a motorcycle (only a Harley, none of those commie rice rockets) and you met your wife during a bar brawl when she hit you with a bar stool.
Typical Quote: (Sneers, stares silently, trying to intimidate you.)
What This Says About You: That you want people to think that you’re sweet, sensitive, but still tough, a wounded bad boy with soul. Also, you really, really want early-90’s R&B to come back in a big way. Oh, and that you are hilariously cheesy.
Typical Quote: “Come on, girl, you know I do it all for love. I just wanna sex you up, baby. I adore mi amor.”
12 Pencil Mustache
What This Says About You: That you are kitschy as hell and you probably own a complete set of retro Buck Rogers collector cups. Oh, and that you’re still a “bachelor” even though you’re 58 years old and you live in Key West with your “roommate,” Ramon.
Typical Quote: “I prefer A Star is Born era Judy Garland to Wizard era Judy, but that’s just me. I can just feel her pain.”
11 Van Dyke
What This Says About You: That you consider yourself an artist even though the only thing artistic about you is that beret you bought from the thrift store and your heroin addict girlfriend.
Typical Quote: “Ugh, I find politics to be so… suburban. Let’s talk about something more important, like did you hear that they’re not going to run midnight showings of The House of Wax on Halloween this year? Fascists.”
10 Mutton Chops
What This Says About You: That you want a beard without actually having to have one. Either that or you can’t grow the rest. Of course, there is also the possibility that you are an Elvis impersonator or that you are in training to join the X-Men.
Typical Quote: “They wanted me to shave my sideburns before they’d hire me at McDonald’s, but I told them no way, man. This is, like, my identity and shit. I’ll just apply at Arby’s. I hear they let you smoke weed out by the dumpsters when you take out the trash. That’s just what I heard, man.”
9 The Magnum P.I.
What This Says About You: That you drive around in your Corvette just so you get the chance to make eye contact with ladies -– it doesn’t matter who, as long they have a vagina and are ages 18-80 -– and that you probably own at least one gold medallion, which is good because you need something to cover your chest since you refuse to button your shirt past your sternum. Oh, and you desperately wish that it was still 1981. Either that or you’re a cop.
Typical Quote: “Why don’t we go back to your place? Mine is still being fumigated for crabs. Wait… where are you going? Wait!” Or: “License and registration.”
8 Soul Patch
What This Says About You: That you think that you’re sensitive and a bit mysterious, but really you just look like the sort of dude who snaps at bad poetry and then breaks out his one anecdote about Gloria Steinem that he uses every time he meets a vulnerable looking woman at the bookstore. You want people to think that you’re cooler than cool, more progressive than progress itself and that you really, really care, man.
Typical Quote: “I don’t have a condom, but it’s alright, we can just cuddle. Unless… you trust me, don’t you?”
What This Says About You: That you’re comfortable going through life looking like a billy-goat. Also, that you can’t grow in the rest, but you think that this manages to hide your weak chin/six chins.
Typical Quote: “I prefer regular Mountain Dew to Code Red Mountain Dew even though the guys I play Call of Warfare with make fun of me for being boring. But I’m an individual, man.”
6 Ordinary Mustache
What This Says About You: That you’ve basically given up on life and/or you own a white van and are not allowed within 100 yards of a public school.
Typical Quote: “Get in the van.”
5 Hitler Stache
What This Says About You: That you really, really don’t like the films of Steven Spielberg or Woody Allen. Either that or you’re Michael Jordan. Also, you accept the fact that everyone you meet will instinctively hate you on site. Oh, and it’s possible that you own a weiss van and are not allowed within 100 yards of a schule.
Typical Quote: “Get in ze van!”
4 Hobo Beard
What This Says About You: That you just don’t give a fuck.
Typical Quote: “I just don’t give a fuck.”
3 The Amish
What This Says About You: That you have at least two friends named Jedediah and that you are unable to read this because reading this is a sin. Also, you get your kicks drag racing your horse and buggy through a cornfield but if Pa ever finds out, he’ll take away your other pair of pants and your good work shirt.
Typical Quote: “Thou can’t catcheth my whip in the quarter mile, English. I hath two horsepower.”
2 Fu Manchu
What This Says About You: That you are either the villain in a 70’s Kung-Fu flick or you are an outrageous hipster. Either way, everyone you meet secretly wants to karate kick you in the chest through an open window.
Typical Quote: “我是一個 douchebag”
1 The Stonewall Jackson
What This Says About You: That you really, really love having a beard, so much that you are willing to have it be your defining characteristic. Also, you may or may not live in a shack in the woods and make a living selling moonshine and spend your days hollering at people because you think that the flu shot they got last winter really contained tiny neurotransmitters so that the government can read their thoughts.
Typical Quote: “If you don’t get off my property, I’m gonna introduce you to my good friend Winchester J. Rifle. Oh shit, get inside before the satellite from The Googles gets you and sells you to the Chinese! Hurry!”
(Originally published on September 27, 2011.)