I’m going to highball it here and suggest that 55% of men slap on the same swim trunks (it’s the only term that comes to mind) they’ve had since high school paired with some sort of plain t-shirt when it comes to the beach. I sincerely doubt that most of you spend your springtime pawing through the pages of catalogues looking for new beachwear. Unless, of course, you’re pawing through the pages of female swim catalogues, but we all know the motive for that isn’t shopping.
If you find yourself in the aforementioned 55%, you’re not really saying anything to the female population other than you haven’t gained weight since high school and your mom clearly thought the word “Billabong” down the side of your leg was cool. I can’t knock that. Kudos to you.
For the rest of you, keep reading:
The Shore Shop
Why do some of you insist on wearing shit that say things including, but not limited to, “Come at me bro,” “Keep this guy away from booze (with a graphic of fingers pointing toward your chest),” and “Federal Bikini Inspector”? I get it, perhaps you lost yourself in 2007 and think this is still “hip” but it’s not. You look a bit like an uber-douche a la Mike The Situation. Please stop. Women would be more receptive to a plain white Hanes t-shirt that costs a total of $3.00.
Sneakers by the Ocean
I don’t know if women have an opinion on this so much as they’re confused by it. I know I sure am. Sneakers on the beach make about as much sense to me as olive loaf as viable sandwich meat. I do understand that some men have feet reminiscent of something you’d see in Lord of The Rings, but it’s the fucking beach. It’s hot out. Let those puppies breath. I sincerely doubt you’ll be making any jump shots so maybe leave the Jordans at home.
The Infamous Speedo
I guess all this really says to women is that you’re European or perhaps an Olympic swimmer.
Bro in the Hat
Baseball caps are a big plus in my book. I think it gives off a down to earth, approachable vibe. It’s classic American. Wide brimmed snapbacks give off a very Kevin Federline feel. I automatically imagine them being paired with baggy jean shorts and prison tattoos. Do guys where any other kinds of hats? I’m not really sure. Let me Google. Okay here we go in rapid succession:
Cute, but sort of juvenile, I believe Tumblr refers to men who wear those as “fuckboiis.”
This says that you have children or that you’re between the ages of 55-80.
Unless you’re actually Frank Sinatra, maybe don’t wear a fedora with any kind of confidence.
Sort of a neutral stance on these. I think they’re generally worn by guys with names like Frankie or Carmine. Additionally they can be reserved for golf outings with Wall Street tycoons who have wives (but also girlfriends) and potential extortion charges, think Jordan Belfort.
This says lazy, but beyond that it says uncomfortable. When the material gets wet everything starts to droop and sag in a pretty unflattering fashion. I’ve actually seen guys go commando in these at the beach, which while bold, reveals more than necessary.
Similarly to the whole sneaker conundrum, I can’t figure out why anyone would willingly pair sandals and socks on the beach. They do say that men who leave their socks on during sex have intimacy issues….perhaps it stems from that?
That really about sums it up. If you manage to come up with something other than what I’ve listed then your experience with fashion is clearly more in-depth than mine (and that makes you unique as far as the male population is concerned.) I’d say in short, the overall moral of this article is to stick to the classics for male beachwear. Should you chose to rock out in neon yellow banana hammock, all the more power to you but I can’t promise you it’s going to end in anything more than potential genital sunburn and disappointing looks from the ladies.