I know that I’ve somewhat covered this topic in the past, but this time around we’re going to skip the bullshit mind games women usually play and focus on the rare instances when they are actually saying what they mean. To reiterate, yes, I am a woman. No, I have no guilt in admitting that some of us can be torturous shrews who love nothing more than confusing the living fuck out of anything with a penis (i.e. you, your Bros, and the Bros before them). Again, we’re not focusing on that today. I just wanted to establish some credibility and what not, ya know, like a politician or someone trying to revise their OkCupid profile.
There are some women, a very small lovely few, who don’t lace their text messages in passive aggressive coding whereupon you have to sit around like Alan Turing trying to figure out how to respond. Some boisterous women will go ahead and tell you all about themselves before you’ve even gotten a chance to jerk off in the shower first thing in the morning. Are these women fun to deal with? No. Are they better than the quasi-shy-coy-assholes? Yes.
Now that we’ve established what kind of woman generally sends the texts below, let’s go ahead and discuss what those texts actually are:
I’m sorry to anyone who has received these, especially to those who have received these directly from me. I find that these texts are usually generated by extreme anger, call it “rage” if you will.
“I know what you did last night”
My advice isn’t to answer this one until she follows up. It could be a trap. It’s most likely not though so just start plotting an apology. Remember white roses = I’m sorry.
“Don’t bother answering”
Most women aren’t good at letting things go, let alone engaging in static silence. If she doesn’t want you to answer (and actually means that) it’s no bueno.
“I’m outside of your house”
Maybe she just showed up with pizza wearing lingerie! That seems likely, right?
“I’m turning my phone off,” followed by: “Yes, it’s because of you”
In the year 2016, if anyone between the ages of 10-95 decides to turn their phone off, something of biblical proportions is likely to have happened.
“I contacted *insert girl’s name here* on Facebook, you’re in trouble….asshole”
Gotta love a girl who can do her recon work…until that recon work turns on you and causes deep emotional pain to all those involved. P.S.: Blame Mark Zuckerberg for making it so easy to find your side piece — Lindsay, 22, went to Montclair State University, Majored in Psychology (never used her degree), works retail at an overpriced thrift store that caters to people who carry books by Kerouac but never actually read them.
“I thought you were at work, I just saw your car in the parking lot of a bar”
Why did you drive to the bar? Rookie fucking move. Walk, Uber, ride a long board…whatever.
“You’re dead to me”
A little harsh, but definitely poetic and drives the whole anger point straight home.
“You’re unbelievable, you know that?”
This one reminds me of something my mother would say. It most likely reminds you of something YOUR mother would say. Isn’t it super scary that your girlfriend is now saying it? Life is one big disappointing Oedipal circle.
“If you’re going to tell me you’re sleeping, you may want to avoid being featured on your friend’s Snapchat story”
Just move out of the way of your drunk friend’s iPhone 6 plus. How hard can that be? Now she’s got you dead to rights and there’s no way you can say that you just have “one of those faces.”
“I’m blocking your number”
I don’t even know how this works logistically in a world where there are literally 100 different ways in which you can contact someone. I mean if she blocks your number, you can always hit her up via email. If she’s saying this she means business and once again, just remember white roses = I’m sorry.