We Had A Girl Decode The Text Messages Chicks Usually Send To Guys, And WOW Is It More Complicated Than We Thought



Is it really possible for women to be more confusing and passive aggressive via text message than it is through verbal conversation? YOU BET YOUR ASS IT IS. Women are nothing if not experts at making shit difficult.

“What do you want for dinner?”

“I don’t care—whatever.”

“How about Chinese?”

“ARE…YOU…FUCKING…KIDDING…ME!?!? *starts speaking in tongues*

Does this sound at all familiar?

Here’s the thing about women though, we’re very much so influenced by how others are feeling. This is to say, we generally have a harder time ripping someone a new asshole—to their face. This is why we are The Queens of The Shit Talking Realm.

Some people consider this a flaw of the petty or ‘fake’ variety, but I often boil it down to the fact that chicks just don’t like to see people hurt. It’s almost sweet if you think about…like, really think about it.

This is why texts with women are dangerous. We can’t see your face. We have absolutely no physical gauge on whether we’re making you cry, scream, or bang your precious little head into a wall.

I want to offer somewhat of an instructional manual to you bros who simply can’t decipher what a girl is trying to say in her messages to you. Consider this your SMS (really iMessage, though) Rosetta Stone.



Hi is pretty bleak, to be honest. She’s more than likely upset with you. She’s saying, “Hi,” because it’s simple enough that you’re not going to immediately assume she’s pissed, but short enough that you’re aware something is off. If she says hi, make sure you get back to her quickly. Hi can escalate very rapidly into, “Where the fuck are you?”


Hi w/ cutesy emoji (i.e. kissy face, winky face, sideways smirk, man with turban)

This eliminates all malice. This means she’s being flirty.


Are you up?

This is definitely a difficult one to interpret because it can be one of two things. She wants to know if you’re awake because she’s drunk/in the mood/both. If that’s not the case then she’s asking if you’re awake because she’s mad at you (noticing a trend?)


Watcha doing?

Watcha doing is a great text to receive from a female. This means she wants to see you, and or, genuinely gives a shit about your whereabouts. It’s not interrogative—this is a good sign. Nobody wants to be with a woman who sends, “What are you doing?” every 30 minutes. What are you doing via text (in my humble opinion) just screams, “the answer to that better be nothing/thinking about you.”



You done fucked up



In the battle of fine versus fuck—fine will forever be the more dangerous 4-letter-F-word. When a woman says something is fine, it’s never fine. In fact, it’s as far away from fine as it can get.


We need to talk

Just start packing your bags. Nothing good has ever followed this phrase in the history of the known universe.

*Judas to Jesus* “We need to talk…..”

Brutus to Caesar* “We need to talk…”

Point proven?


I have a question

This is yet another difficult to interpret text. Her question may very well be, “Want to watch football, eat chicken wings, and have sex later?” However, her question may also be, “Who is Jessica and why is Steven telling me that you were grabbing her ass at the bar last night?” Because of the limitless possibilities following this text, it’s once again important to answer in haste. Women with questions hate to be left waiting. The sooner you answer, the sooner you can feel out the situation.


You’re kidding me, right?

She’s already mad. She KNOWS you grabbed Jessica’s ass at the bar last night, and you know it was fucking Steven who told her. My advice: let her know that you can talk about it in person, and then go beat the shit out of Steven.



I go back in forth with how I feel about the usage of babe. I think when done tastefully it can be sort of cute. When it’s overused I sort of feel compelled to hit someone. This is how I feel about most things in life. If a girl is simply texting you babe, it’s most likely a means of getting your attention. I’d say that generally nothing bad will follow a “babe” text (unless she’s an evil succubus trying to lure you in with her sweet nothings).

*Insert your name here*

If she texts you your name—I’d venture to say she’s angry –especially if it’s your full name. If she says, “Matthew” and she usually calls you “Matt” she’s honing some maternal instinct shit and pulling the “Mom card.” She’s quite literally is being stern with you. This should be cause for some concern, then again we all end up with people like our parents right? Because that’s not creepy as fuck—nope, not at all.


The moral of the story is, when dealing with women try and handle everything face to face. If that’s not an option, then I’d go with a phone call. Texts just leave too much room for error. Part of me wants to go ahead and throw some screen shots of my personal conversations below, but I don’t know how many more times I can get called a crazy bitch (let alone by perfect internet strangers).

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