30 Things That Change For The Worse When You Turn 30

by 3 years ago
30th Birthday Cake


The age of 30 is the new 20. I don’t know. It’s not because being 30 blows. There’s just no other good expression to put into words the punch in the cock that’s three decades on earth.

At the age of 30, life completely changes, and not always by choice. Hangovers get worse, you start to pay closer attention to things like your career and your lawn, clothes start to fit and feel all wrong and weeks, possibly months, pass without picking up a video game remote.

When you hit the big 3-0, many things get much worse. Here are the thirty things that change after thirty years of life.

Ear Hair… Lots Of Fucking Ear Hair

After 30, it’s imperative to check your entire body in the mirror at least once a day. Random moles, marks, blemishes and body parts just spring up. Hair starts growing all over, especially in places you never imagined possible. Take ear hair. It starts growing inside the ear, around the lobe, at the top of the ear, and it’s always been there but it was just blonde and fuzzy and then one day there’s just a fur coat escaping from your ear drum. Invest in a hair removal system and be fucking vigilant.

You Scramble To Figure Out New Ways To Not Go Bald

Suddenly, EVERY method of restoring, or at least keeping hair, becomes an option. Rogain, Propecia, spray paint, rubs, tonics, scalp weaves, even Gorilla Gluing lost follicles back in place is considered to just keep the hair in its natural home. The best option is Propecia because it helps with your suddenly shiny dome and enlarged prostates. Speaking of…

You Start Thinking About Things Like ‘Prostates’

Prostate discussions aren’t just for dad and his golf buddies anymore. You start to think about your dick and balls in other contexts besides “I wonder who I can get to touch them tonight.” The good news is that after 30, plenty of strangers touch your dick and balls, except they’re medical professionals who thankfully take your insurance.

You Start To Question Whether Some Girls You Meet Are Too Young For You

You swear it will never happen but one day college women will seem too young. Probably not right at 30 but slowly college girl will seem like high school girls and high school girls will look like children and children will look like they probably have a hot mom around your age and yeah you start considering divorcees in the areas of dating and this just gets more depressing so you’re free to leave at this point. No? Fair enough…

The Foods You Once Loved Become Your Bitter Enemy

Spicy food, rich food, milk, bread, cheese, buffalo wings, pizza, everything food you loved is now trying to kill you. It will either give you the super shits, make you fart on command or punch the inner lining of your body for hours. ESPECIALLY in the middle of the night. You’ll pop antacids like Altoids just to stop the pain AND because Altoids suddenly give you diarrhea.

RIP Daniel Fleetwood, First 'Star Wars' Fan to See 'The Force Awakens'
TAGS30s vs 20sagingTurning 30