The age of 30 is the new 20. I don’t know. It’s not because being 30 blows. There’s just no other good expression to put into words the punch in the cock that’s three decades on earth.
At the age of 30, life completely changes, and not always by choice. Hangovers get worse, you start to pay closer attention to things like your career and your lawn, clothes start to fit and feel all wrong and weeks, possibly months, pass without picking up a video game remote.
When you hit the big 3-0, many things get much worse. Here are the thirty things that change after thirty years of life.
Ear Hair… Lots Of Fucking Ear Hair
After 30, it’s imperative to check your entire body in the mirror at least once a day. Random moles, marks, blemishes and body parts just spring up. Hair starts growing all over, especially in places you never imagined possible. Take ear hair. It starts growing inside the ear, around the lobe, at the top of the ear, and it’s always been there but it was just blonde and fuzzy and then one day there’s just a fur coat escaping from your ear drum. Invest in a hair removal system and be fucking vigilant.
You Scramble To Figure Out New Ways To Not Go Bald
Suddenly, EVERY method of restoring, or at least keeping hair, becomes an option. Rogain, Propecia, spray paint, rubs, tonics, scalp weaves, even Gorilla Gluing lost follicles back in place is considered to just keep the hair in its natural home. The best option is Propecia because it helps with your suddenly shiny dome and enlarged prostates. Speaking of…
You Start Thinking About Things Like ‘Prostates’
Prostate discussions aren’t just for dad and his golf buddies anymore. You start to think about your dick and balls in other contexts besides “I wonder who I can get to touch them tonight.” The good news is that after 30, plenty of strangers touch your dick and balls, except they’re medical professionals who thankfully take your insurance.
You Start To Question Whether Some Girls You Meet Are Too Young For You
You swear it will never happen but one day college women will seem too young. Probably not right at 30 but slowly college girl will seem like high school girls and high school girls will look like children and children will look like they probably have a hot mom around your age and yeah you start considering divorcees in the areas of dating and this just gets more depressing so you’re free to leave at this point. No? Fair enough…
The Foods You Once Loved Become Your Bitter Enemy
Spicy food, rich food, milk, bread, cheese, buffalo wings, pizza, everything food you loved is now trying to kill you. It will either give you the super shits, make you fart on command or punch the inner lining of your body for hours. ESPECIALLY in the middle of the night. You’ll pop antacids like Altoids just to stop the pain AND because Altoids suddenly give you diarrhea.
Certain Foods Will Make You Immediately Feel Like A Big Tub Of Shit
Not only will food make you feel physically ill, it will also make you resent yourself. Eating fast food will feel like you’re wearing a rubber tire around your stomach. Your skin will get greasy thanks to potato chips. A night out for dinner will make you want to nap on the table. In public. Before dessert. Oh and DON’T get dessert. You’ll be up all fucking night.
Naps Are Your Friend. Well, More So Than Before
In your 20s, there were really only two reasons to nap. First, because you barely slept the night before because of drinking, partying, studying, fucking, playing video games or just because, FUCK IT, no one can tell you to go to bed. The other reason to nap was because there’s nothing else to do. Saturday at 3pm is a perfect nap time because what the hell else is going on? After 30, naps are necessary even with 8 hours sleep. You just don’t have the energy. You could sweeten up an espresso with Red Bull and still fall asleep mid-sip if the house is quiet enough.
Should I Really Still Be Playing Video Games For Hours At A Time?
There’s something else you need to be doing but you can’t think of it. There’s this large chunk of time with nothing to do so maybe you’ll just sit down and play a couple hours of Fallout 4 and what’s today’s date and HOLY SHIT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED TODAY!
If You’re Not Married Everyone Asks You “Why Not?”
You guys married? When are you getting married? Are you making plans? Do you want help making plans? You should get married soon. Like today. You guys busy today? We’re not busy today, we could tag along. You should get married. Married. Married. Married? Can you just punch my throat so I stop asking? I don’t even want to ask, it’s just this thing I HAVE to ask unmarried people. If I can’t talk, I can’t ask!
If You Are Married Everyone Wants To Know When You’re Going To Have Kids.
married having kids? When are you getting married kids? Are you making plans to get married have kids? Do you want help making plans children? You should get married screw soon. Like today. You guys busy today? We’re not busy today, we could tag along. You should get married have kids. Kids. Kids. Kids. Can you just punch my throat?
You Start To Realize That Your Parents Weren’t Such Dumbasses After All
Maybe dad was right. OF COURSE HE WAS RIGHT! He fucked up too. He was trying to warn you. But nope, you knew it all. And now look at you. Actually, don’t look at you. It’s depressing. Go look at someone more successful.
Your Hangovers Are Worse And Can Last For Days
Sleep until noon, some greasy food and a soda, maybe even a beer for a “hair of the dog” cure and your hangover lasted an hour or two and you were ready to tackle the day. After 30, a couple beers with dinner and you can’t function for days. And don’t even bother getting drunk. You’ll be out of commission for a week. Pregnant women suffering from morning sickness will take pity on you. “Here, put these bands around your wrists, it will help ease the vomiting sensation.” You eventually realize the thought of being hungover is actually the best deterrent from drinking too much.
You Have To Shake After Peeing Thanks To A Suddenly Loose Dickhole
God forbid anyone ever does a urinalysis on your underwear. Even if you think you got it all. Even if you shake, slap and do the two-finger push against your bunt to squeeze out every last drop, you didn’t get it all. You’ll realize it right when you stick your dick back in your shorts and YUP couple of squirts onto the briefs.
Waking Up To Pee In The Middle Of The Night Is No Longer A Matter Of If, But When
Just put an empty Gatorade bottle on your nightstand and save yourself the walk. It will also save the inevitable moment when you sleepily piss either a) next to b) on top of or c) no where near the toilet. And have fun with the half-wet pajama pants because your loose dickhole is just as groggy at that time of night.
You Buy Clothes Specifically For Work
You have clothes for going out and clothes for work. Your clothes for going out used to be nicer but you’re suddenly spending your money on bizz caj gear instead of clothes to wear out to a bar or on dates. Eventually, your work clothes become “going out” clothes because you’ve warn them to work too many times. You don’t buy new clothes to go out because you don’t go out much anymore and Jesus I might need to talk to someone after this article. I’m so super sad right now.
You Start Forgetting Large Chunks Of Your 20s
You forget places you worked, women you dated, places you visited and people you were close with literally get erased from your mind. Then one day you walk into a restaurant you think you’re going to for the first time and realize you’d been there before but can’t remember when or why and you just start crying in the men’s room because you think you’ve got early onset of dementia and no that happened to a friend and not me and mind your business dickhead.
You Change The Max Age On Tinder To 40
And cougars no longer exist. They exist to younger guys. Cougars are now the people you graduated high school with.
One Night Of Bad Sleep Will Fuck You FOR WEEKS
Daylight savings becomes an enemy. Even if it’s Fall back. It takes eleven months to recover from one night of insomnia and two years to get over a vacation where you stay up late every night. And then once you have kids. Are you having kids? Why don’t you have kids? YOU SHOULD HAVE KIDS! Feel free to punch my throat at any time…
Bouncers And Bartenders Who Don’t Card You Are Suddenly Assholes
Are you saying I’m old, you piece of shit? I look so old you can’t even bother to card me? Oh yeah! Yeah! Well what if I’m working for the division of alcohol and you not carding me just cost you $500! What then! I’m not, but if I were, holy shit would I bust your ass. I’d shut this place down! Now are you going to get me my O’Douls or what?
You Suddenly Realize You’re Friends With A Ton Of Assholes
Maybe it’s because you don’t have much in common anymore or because people just change over time but many of your friends are suddenly massive dicks. And not just to you but to everybody. What did I ever like about that guy? Oh right, he was the only guy on our hall with a car. I remember.
You Suddenly Realize You Don’t Have Many Friends
Probably because you think they’re all assholes.
Crashing On Couches Isn’t Something You Do Anymore
Couch crashing isn’t a thing you do anymore. Maybe your buddy has a spare bedroom? If not, you’ll just rent a room a hotel near his house. It will just be easier. And then that way your morning stretch routine and blender for the kale smoothie won’t wake him.
You Don’t Watch The Late Games Anymore Because You’ll Be A Wreck In The Morning
We suggest waking up first thing in the morning, watching the highlights, and lying to everyone in the office about watching the game when you actually fell asleep during pregame. “If I shut the game off now, I’ll still get enough hours of sleep, and won’t skip my morning stretches. Did I buy kale?”
Am I Going To Wear These Sweatpants In Public? I’m Going To Wear These Sweatpants In Public!
Because you’re a couple years away from absolutely giving up so why not cruise to that point in life in comfort.
You Start To Care About Your Stuff
You spend hours working on your car, cleaning up your place and doing yard work. Yes, yard work. A nice lawn brings a certain sense of pride all of a sudden. A real sense of accomplishment. Let’s both stare at your lawn and softly weep for our youth. Those are nice, are those azaleas? The colors really pop against the house.
Body Parts Stop Working Correctly, Some Stop Working Completely
Back pain, shoulder pain, knee pain, neck pain, every day you wake up and another body part reminds you it exists and it’s payback for all that heavy lifting in your younger days. You didn’t need to turn your head COMPLETELY from side to side today, did you? Good. Because you won’t be able to.
You Start Lying About Your Age, Even To A Treadmill
From the ages of 15 to about 24, you round your age up. From about 25-29 you told the truth. After thirty, you start tossing in pointless quantifiers like “just turned” and “recently celebrated” to soften the blow of saying the number out loud. “I just turned 30,” you’ll say, like right months after your birthday. “I just turned 30,” you’ll say, until you’re 40.
People Actually Call You Old And Not In A Joking Way
True story: a couple weeks ago we got a story to the tip line from this guy claiming to have joined The Mile High Club after sitting next to a random woman on an airplane. At one point in his story, he said “she was older, probably like 35.” FUCK YOU DUDE! Thirties aren’t old! FUCK YOU. OUCH! I think I pulled something typing that last line. I hope the office cabinet still has Aleve.
You Start Calling Yourself Old, Just So They Can’t
It’s a good rule of thumb to point out the things you find uncomfortable about yourself before someone else can. It’s how they tell people to stop bullying. If you make fun of what a bully was going to make fun of first, and show you’ve got a sense of humor about it, they won’t use it as ammo. “It’s just me, the old guy.” “Who brought the old guy?” “Look out, old guy coming through!” It works in most cases. Not all cases. “Hey, who brought the pedophile?!”
You Just Stop Giving A Shit About Stuff
When you reach thirty, you’re going to access the last 10-12 years of your life and realize you really worried about, focused on, and fretted over some meaningless stuff. You learn to let it all go AND realize, moving forward, none of it means shit. With age, comes attitude, and attitude that says “I don’t give a hot squirt about anything.” It’s actually rather freeing.
If you’re approaching 30 or just turned, don’t worry, it’s not all awful. I could just as easily compile a list of the 30 awesome things about turning 30. I just can’t think of that many.