I’m going to be blunt here: I can’t help you understand women. I’m not saying this out of some sense of loyalty to my gender. I’m not keeping any secrets or burying any kind of hidden treasure. I’m saying this because I am a woman, and I don’t even understand us.
What I can help you with is some of the shit that goes on behind closed doors. I’ll set the scene: a bunch of girls sitting around with a couple of bottles of wine discussing topics including, but not limited to, work, hair care, politics, vaginal hygiene, and of course, men. I’m sure you don’t care about those other things, so here’s what’s on the menu when we’re talking about you:
Size, shape, smell, manscaping technique (or lack thereof) is all on the table. Chances are if one girl has seen your penis, 15 more know what it looks like. We aren’t necessarily criticizing though (that comes later on when we talk about your bedroom performance). This topic is strictly dickly in the sense that we’re merely discussing your appendage at face value. Consider it a sort of aesthetic analysis comparable to shoe shopping or browsing art in a gallery.
Women are nothing if not judgmental creatures and unfortunately for you, men are our favorite source of judgment. Somewhere in the world, right now, there’s a girl calling you a lazy, unambitious, inconsiderate, worthless liar who doesn’t deserve her. Standing next to that female, is another female cheering her on saying something like, “you go girl, you don’t need him!” Do I think this sort of behavior is acceptable? No. Do I partake in it? Fuck yes I do and here’s why. I would rather vent to my girlfriends than run the risk of saying something to you that I can’t take back. Women are fickle beasts and sometimes we really do get mad for no reason and unfairly take it out on you. This is why we talk shit to our friends; to spare you the boner-killing-brain-trauma that is a scorned female.
Your Positive Qualities:
Sure, we love to say how horrible you are, but even more than that we LOVE to brag about you. Buy us something pretty? Give us a compliment? Do us a favor?—Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and our entire circle of friends will know about it within 20-minutes. “Isn’t he just great?” “Yeah, he did it just because he loves me so much.” “He’s definitely the one. There’s nobody better than him.” We genuinely do feel this way about you, but somewhere subconsciously we’re showing dominance over other girls. We want to feel like what we have is better than what someone else has. It’s a primitive competition thing that surprisingly is just as cutthroat in women as it is in men.
Your Bedroom Performance:
Alright, this is where the conversation deviates from what your penis looks like to what you can do with it. I’m going to be honest here: we do not hold back. Women quite literally will sit around and rate your performance with the intricacy of a Flesch–Kincaid test. Speed, agility, oral skills, foreplay, hand technique—we cover it all. If you’re good, then you have nothing to worry about whatsoever. If you’re bad, then get better before you become the brunt of every limp-dick-can’t-get-a-girl-off joke from here to California. On a more sensitive note: we do understand that your performance can often be directly related to the girl you’re having sex with. Don’t worry, sometimes we think to ourselves “I bet he’s great in bed, and she’s the one who sucks.” Of course we don’t say this out loud but it’s the thought that counts, right?
This may be a line directly from Californication, but in any event, “a girl knows if she wants to marry you, fuck you, or kill you, within the first 30-seconds of you meeting.” That summation is pretty self-explanatory but we talk about it so much because sometimes we don’t listen to our gut instinct. Sometimes we think that the ones we want to fuck can become the ones we want to marry, and consequently the ones we want to kill can become the ones we want to fuck. Sure we have our “women’s intuition,” but I’m going to speculate that most of us ignore it more often than we care to admit. Due to this fact, we tend to sit down and talk about how we can change you or more so if you’re even capable of becoming the man we need you to be.
This is basically the gist of it. We don’t talk about your workout routine or what sports you prefer to watch. We never really make mention of your education or how much money you make (well some girls do, but they suck). For the most part we stick to the aforementioned topics and we attempt to handle them as tastefully as possible.
If your ears are ringing right now there’s a 50/50 chance a girl is saying something kind about you. Just try and remember that.
[Header image via Shutterstock]