As a men’s lifestyle and humor website, we didn’t expect to dabble into coverage of the 2016 Presidential Election for quite some time. Politics just isn’t our game. But today, that all changed when Donald Trump gave us no choice – on account of the uncontainable stupidity-induced “humor” he’s become famous for.
Today, the real-estate mogul officially announced his candidacy for POTUS with a perfectly orchestrated, exceptionally self-aggrandizing press conference held around noontime. In and of itself, that’s absurd.
It was essentially filled with the exact kind of Trump lauding rhetoric we’ve all come to expect by now, having been subjected to 14 miserable seasons of The Apprentice. Naturally, in true Trump fashion, while attempting to convey his campaign’s intents, of course The Donald managed to say some absurdly ridiculous things.
Here’s a scene from the press conference that Trump shared on his Instagram.
The polls are in annnndddddd with just over 5,000 likes in AN HOUR, your campaign is a fucking travesty already by internet standards, Mr. Trump. Absurd-ly disappointing.
Dan Bilzerian could honestly ‘gram himself farting and lighting it on fire, and it’d surpass that many likes in under 45 seconds. The Donald should probably look into hiring a new social media manager.
However, his PR guy is killing it, if, in fact, Neil Young’s “Rockin’ The Free World” is going to be Trump’s official campaign song. Absurdly awesome. As you can see below, that’s what was bellowing through the Trump Tower as he made his undeniably American press conference entrance, and proceeded to rattle off, like, a million outrageous things within the first minute at the podium.
Air conditioners? ISIS? What the fuck are you talking about, Trump? How does a politician’s knowledge of gauging a room’s temperature translate AT ALL to waging wars against terrorism!? Absurdly confused.
Trump’s diatribe didn’t stop there, no. He then proceeded to take shots at incumbent, Barack Obama, like an pretentious asshole prep school kid bragging about his parent’s country club memberships.
Greatest golf courses in the world!!!? That notion is absurd.
Motherfucking newsflash, Donald: You don’t own Pine Valley, or Cypress Point, or Augusta National, or Royal County Down, or even Shinnecock Hills. In fact, when I search your name on the Golf Digest’s Top 100 Courses In The World list that was just recited, your name doesn’t appear once in the top 20 .
I’m all for bragging, but you’ve got to be able to back it up, bro.
Trump’s tirade continued, of course. How could it not? There was just too much baseless bullshit he had to get off his chest to be able to call it a successful day. When he actually started to say something with some semblance of politics, again, it was like the most nonsense-filled train-wreck of all time.
“We don’t have victories anymore.” He cited trading failures with China and Japan, saying you don’t see a Chevrolet in Tokyo, while Japan sends “their cars over by the millions.”
“The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems,” he added. “It’s true, and these are the best and finest.”
It’s like the guy doesn’t understand that Japan, when you cut it by the numbers, has a superior automotive industry. Plain and simple. Absurd to even argue that point. They make better products at cheaper costs. Our automotive industry had to be bailed out by our federal government. There’s a good reason we do business with the Japanese. This is literally international trade economics in its simplest form, Trump!
The Donald doesn’t care about that, though. Could give a shit about what numbers and statistics say. It’s his world and we’re just living in it. He’d probably rename the plane Trump Force 1 if he ever made it to the Oval Office. And shit, I hope I didn’t just give him a good idea.
Because apparently, he’s taking this whole 2016 presidential candidacy as seriously as it gets.
“I have a great love for our country, but it is a country that is in serious trouble. We have lost the respect of the entire world. Americans deserve better than what they get from their politicians — who are all talk and no action!” he says in a press release. “I have built a great company, created thousands of jobs and built a tremendous net worth with some of the finest and most prestigious assets in the world — and very little debt! All Americans deserve the same opportunity.
I totally don’t think Donald Trump understands that you can’t just file Chapter 11 bankruptcy (four times, absurd) with the U.S. government’s budget.
Or how to do much of anything correctly, for that matter.
THE GUY CAN’T EVEN GET THE FUCKING WAVE RIGHT! But he wants to be President of the United States. God Bless him, man.
If you have a dream, chase it. That’s what Trump’s doing. And I can attest that we’re all really looking forward to the colossal failure of his campaign and all the hilarity it breeds. Sincerely, I’m hoping for Howard Dean caliber stuff.
[Trump] said of his campaign, “I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich.”
And that absurd fact will forever haunt and baffle me until my dying day.