Advantages and Disadvantages of Cheating

​We live in a rapidly changing world of commitment and what is now passing for commitment. Where you can either be happily in a relationship of a few weeks and reaping all the benefits the “honey moon phase,” has to offer, like: constantly having sex, going out to dinner, taking Instagram photos, and grinding each other so hard that the groin and back-pockets of your pants start to dissolve faster than the taste of Zebra Stripes gum or you’re miserably comfortable with the relationship, no matter how long it’s been, that you’ve thrown in the towel on dating other people all together. If this sounds like you either way, I would just sit down a read because I’m about to let you in on my dating secret thats kept my relationship at the pinnacle of happiness for both parties. If you haven’t figured it out yet from the title, yes, you need to relapse to your dating prime and cheat.

I’ve now been in a great relationship with my girlfriend for nearly a year and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. We’ve progressively taken the expected steps, minus a few traditional ones, that a normal American relationship usually takes. We met, started hanging out, had sex (lots of sex) and more recently, moved in together. Still, as great as all of it has been there’s that itch that I’ve always had the thrill of scratching, which is hitting on other women and bedding them faster than Lindsay Lohan hits the blow on a bathroom floor. Over my college years, I deliberately did not want to be in a relationship and of course I ran wild hooking up with as many girls as possible because I figured that’s what college is about right? I stayed true to the task too. I’ve been with all kinds of women, and have had a lot of fun living my own version of Van Wilder, but the day finally came when I met my girlfriend who had me off the market, temporarily.  

I know what some of you are thinking. But to my defense, this isn’t a marriage; so I feel like I’m doing no wrong here. So now for the coupe des gras, why cheat? Remember Dane Cook when he was relevant? Yeah I don’t think anybody does anymore, but let’s just say you do remember. There was a particular joke (or his attempt at one) that stood out to me as I was going through a break-up at the time. He was talking about how he had spoken with an elderly man that had told him the secret to his happy marriage with his wife was he had cheated on her. Of course 17 year-old me thought that was insane, but then again I was a pussy that let women walk all over me back then. Little did I know that that stupid Dane Cook story-time/joke would be the anthem for my relationships for the past seven years. Literally every time I would start sleeping with a girl that had intentions of dating, I would just start looking for another girl, find one, then start sleeping with her. Sometimes I would regret it, only if the present girl somehow dumped me or ended up being a lousy lay, either way I didn’t pout like I would’ve in high school. I went out and bought a fresh pack of Trojans and marched on to the sound of my own seductive drum. It was a lot of rinse and repeat, but the point here is that I never felt that sting of breaking up because I was so numb to it from drowning myself in box. Cheating on women, however fucked up you might think, was the single best thing I could do for myself in a relationship. If I was in a relationship, it would always be an open one, for me anyway, but if my girlfriend were to cheat on me that was even better! It freed me from what little guilt I had and justified everything I did behind their back. It just made me feel better all around to know I was still free to do whatever and whoever I wanted. 

Of course with the good there’s obviously some bad, and believe me there was a lot of bad. Whenever I somehow found myself in a relationship I wanted to be in, I kept my cheating-mode off for a while, ya know? Just to see where it was going. This was rare for me because the only absolute time I would be Mr. Commitment was if this girl was a dime. My only strategy when dating women, who I thought were perfect, would be to woo them with confidence and treat them like Queens, taking them out to dinners at nice places and wearing my most professional attire almost religiously for the time we were together. All of my efforts would be wasted however. Inevitably karma would dig its fucking fresh cut non-filed nails into me and my “dime” of a girlfriend would catch wind of my history. Tip for cheaters, if you’re going to cheat, John Tucker that shit and see girls from different parts of the city that in no-way should catch wind of the others. You can learn a lot from watching movies. Fuck you Mrs. Kensler! It’s a tough strategy to get away with in college, no matter how big your school is, but it progressively gets easier as you move through the stages of adulthood. The post-grad life is an easy one, as far as dating goes; the dynamics are just astonishing. I have the privilege in traveling to different cities with my current job so finding women and keeping them a secret is easy. Just don’t be stupid and label them in your phones as “Tits McGee,” or “Girl from New Years,” because if you’re in a relationship at that point, chances are you just leave your phone lying around and that shit is like C4 to your partner if she sees it. This goes back to the beginning, CHEATERS. CAN’T. BE. COMFORTABLE. You’re always on your toes dissecting each possible variable and scenario. I live for that shit, which is why to this day I live my social life on the proverbial edge. So with all this being said, you could either reconsider your cheating ways or maybe you will have learned a few things and are strapping in for the thrill of your lives. And ladies, don’t be afraid to get in on this too. You’ve got my support.