Alabama Is Now Making Its Own Whiskey And Hell Yea Our Cousins Is Getting Impegnated Tanight

alabama-whiskey

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Alabamans take a ton of pride in a lot of terrible things: The last vestiges of the antebellum South, incestual relationships the majority of society frowns upon, disdain for general dentistry.

So it would make sense that their first foray into the world of whiskey would suck.

Why change things now?

It was previously believed brewing commercial hooch in the state was illegal, but that’s changed thanks to a new interpretation of an old law. Now, proud Alabamans are already pumping out crap, which I bet other Alabamans will love.

“Hell yea this whiskey’s made right here in Alabama. Limestone filtration? We just run our water through the streets Little Rock”

Terrible.

Munchies has the story on a distiller in ‘Bama who, when he found out he could make whiskey, rushed it to market.

Why make something good when you know your consumers don’t care?

John Emerald Distilling Company, located in Opelika, Alabama, has released the first legal whiskey distilled in Alabama in a century. Their John’s Alabama Single Malt Whiskey hit shelves in June.

Sure, in the rush to get their whiskey into stores as quickly as possible, the distillery may have taken a few shortcuts: “We use these small, five-gallon barrels as well as temperature control that helps simulate seasons and gives us a mature product in a short period of time.

Yum.

I mean, that shit never works. We’ve gone over this here. But I can’t imagine anyone will care. Hell, this was a state where its citizenry was too stupid for 90 years to understand a law that said it was perfectly legal for them to produce booze.

Apparently, Alabama’s liquor laws are so convoluted and complicated that no one dared to take a chance on making whiskey there—at least not state-sanctioned whiskey—even though Prohibition came to an end with the ratification of the Twenty-First Amendment in 1933. Seriously.

Jimmy Sharp, son of John and a co-owner of the John Emerald Distilling Company explains: “The way the laws are written, it’s written and it’s written over, and over-written, and over-written . . . it’s real difficult to discern for the average person who doesn’t speak legalese to understand you can [legally distill whiskey in the state].”

Alabama, in a nutshell right there.

Well, I’m sure this won’t make anyone who drinks it go blind, and even if it does, I doubt they’ll mind.