This Baby Goat Legit Sounds Like You Trying To Spit Game To A Chick At The Bar

Come on dude. You can do it. Ask her her name. What she’s drinking. Her goddamn bra size. Anything bro. You’re losing credibility by just standing there on your hands and knees just gawking at her like you just sucked the helium out of a balloon while simultaneously having an orgasm. I know you’ve been relying on Tinder for your hookups, but this is real life bruh. The real thing. You can’t actually believe that approaching chicks and sounding like Ted Cruz with a sinus infection is sufficient enough to get your willy wet. Button it up. And run a razor through that back hair. If not for you, for us.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.