The Alleged Bank Robber Who Ate His Poop On The Witness Stand Is Apparently Not Himself When He’s Hungry

Andrew Gilbertson has been charged with robbing a Bank of America in San Luis Obispo, California in October of 2013.

He is pleading not guilty on count of insanity. And he went ALL IN on that strategy.

While on the witness stand Wednesday, Gilbertson said the Virgin Mary told him to disguise himself and rob the bank. Ok, that’s crazy but it’s not like ate his shit on the witness stand or anything.

Oh, what’s that? He did? Oh. Um.

His testimony ended and the judge ordered a recess, but not before Gilbertson’s final act. He reached into his pants and announced that the Virgin Mary told him to eat his shit. That Virgin Mary sounds to me like a bad influence, kind of surprised Jesus turned out so well. Miraculous, actually.

A mental health expert also said he observed Gilbertson hitting himself in the head to dispel of the voices within.

The trial continues this morning.

If I were the judge I’d let him off right then and there. He’s served his time in the form of eating his shit. I’d rather spend six life sentences with Robert Durst as my cell mate than put my vile feces anywhere near my dome piece. I can hardly be in the same room with myself when I’m dropping a deuce. Jail time? This dude should run for President.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.