So the Church in God and Christ (“COGIC”) was wild’n out earlier this month. And by “wild’n out,” I mean they were just praying the gay out of people like hotcakes. As a result, Andrew Caldwell (the dude in this video) has been DELIVERT.
He don’t like mens no more. Just women. Women. And Womenwomenwomen. Hates purses and make-up, too. All and all, just completely off the dude train.
While this is all wholly ignorant, insensitive and confusingly hilarious, we have to think about several unrelated factors here, such as:
This dude’s tie:
His tie has a tie that may, possibly, have another fucking tie inside of it. This level of tie-ception is staggering and troubling at the same time. Adds a sketchier vibe to an already sketchy video.
As well as his making a song and uploading it to iTunes to capitalize off of his ridiculous viral video fame:
The reddest flag in the sea of red flags in this song’s “ad” is obviously the @yahoo.com email address. Rule of thumb: only use a Yahoo email address for illicit activities like porn, porn, porn, and overseas sports betting. Venturing into the “for bookings” world with a Yahoo email address is just asking for Nigerian princes to ruin your iTunes ratings.
But a question needs to be asked? Can this pastor “Delivert” us from anything?
I eat a shit ton of donuts. Can I hit up the COGIC next year and have a religious awakening that causes me to stop partaking in the succulent masterpieces that are glazed donuts?
Who knows. But I have plenty of other things I need to be delivert from as well:
- Rooting for the Knicks and the Jets
- Actually working to earn an income
- Having the “itis” every time I eat a large meal or BBQ
- Getting drunk, ordering pizza and passing out before the pizza gets there and subsequently being black-balled from that pizza restaurant
Yes, this whole thing was very fucked up. The pastor, Andrew Caldwell, the COGIC church and various other systems in place are beyond backwards in this scenario. Gay people have enough hurdles to jump without dealing with videos like this popping up.
That being said, next time you’re having sex with someone and are about to finish, make it a point to say “I AM DELIVERT” right before the magical moment. It’ll make it way more whimsical.