You know how guys like to prank each other by putting hot balm in other dude’s jocks? Yeah, funny shit, right? Well, this guy basically did that sort of thing to himself. On purpose.
Here’s his story, get ready to cringe…
So today I fucked up. Tomorrow is our 10-year Anniversary night. We’ve dumped the kids off at Mom’s and tomorrow we’re heading back to England for a week. She’s British, wants to spend a week in England. Cool.
The wife has meticulously womanscaped her area for me I know, because that’s the only time she takes 2 hour long showers. So I think to myself… well.. Maybe I’ll return the favor.
So far so good. Bro’s trying to do something nice.
So I sneak out to the hell that is Walmart to surprise her by doing some serious manscaping. I keep the area nice, but I’m gunna go full retard and napalm the area. I spend ten minutes awkwardly standing in the aisle looking at the hundreds of options for waxes, hair removal cream, etc. I end up going with Nair for sensitive areas. I figure that’s the best choice.
Ummm, I’m not thinking that was the best choice here, but we’ll find out I suppose.
So I get home and carefully read the directions. Apply liberally to the area, wait ten minutes and wipe with a towel, the hair should go with it. I ignore the warning about applying directly to genitals because I’m a man. Hear me fucking roar.
So I apply this cream thick. Real thick, everywhere. I wait the ten minutes and wipe it off, nothing happens. Fuck. This didn’t work. So I try again, liberally apply the rest of the bottle back onto the area, put my boxers on to hide what I’m doing from the wife; it’s still a surprise… and sit on the couch and fire up some Youtube. I figure I’ll wait 15 minutes this time and try again.
Nope.
Hmmm… perhaps applying the whole bottle wasn’t wise, but so far no damage. Let’s see what happens next…
I wake up 5 hours later. My junk is numb, very numb. I stand up slowly and I can feel cracking, I can feel things falling down my pants leg. As I slowly penguin over to the bathroom, a trail of crusted pieces of Nair falling to the floor behind me, I gently pull my boxers away from the skin, and pieces of what looks like skin are coming with it. This isn’t good. The nair has dried and has adhered to my skin.
I run a cold bath and jump in, letting the water re-hydrate the nair so that I can gently wipe it off. Slowly the water is turning red, I realize, red with blood. This is where the panic sets in. As I painstakingly remove the nair, feeling starts returning. My testicles are on fire. I begin to sob like a bitch. I slowly make my way out of the bathroom, saddle-walking like you’ve never seen, searching for something to sooth the hellfire that is between my legs.
Baby oil. That will do the trick, I think. You put baby oil on babies to keep their skin nice, surely that will sooth my hot balls of fire.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
I’ve never cried so hard in my life, it was as if cthulu had fisted my frank and beans with a flaming iron bar. Apparently you don’t put oil on burns.
I now have a severe chemical burn on my junk, it’s blistering, and I have to be on a plane for a 16 hour flight in a few hours for a very sexless anniversary vacation.
Worst part? Most of the hair was still there, somehow. I don’t understand it. As I said previously, I set out on a mission to go full retard and napalm the shrubbery and all I managed to achieve was to scorch the earth.
tl;dr Fell asleep with Nair on my balls. Then soothed it with baby oil. Blistered testicles suck, day before 10 year anniversary.
OUUUUUUUCH.
Oh, what’s that, he provided an update? Cool!
After having sat in the tub for a few hours I did heed your advice and head to the ER after little blisters started forming. And I’d ran out of ice in the house to sooth the area.
And my whiskey bottle was empty.
The pain had mostly subsided by the time I’d gotten to the ER. Well, I lie. It still fucking hurt, but it was nothing like the hellfire I’d felt the moment I decided applying baby oil to a burn would be a wise idea.
Hobbling into to ER they were looking at me funny, demanding I sit down in a wheelchair. The last thing I wanted to do was sit, can’t spread my legs far enough apart sitting down in a damn wheel chair, needless to say skin-to-skin contact was the worst, I needed to let my jewels breath.
I did ask to speak to a male nurse; they all assumed by the way I was walking I’d broken my tail bone I think. It took a while for them to find a guy for me to talk to, for whatever reason I just wanted to talk to a dude about my medical emergency. The guy couldn’t keep a straight face, and thought I was joking.
So after an excruciating two-hour wait in the ER I finally got a room and got to see the doctor. They had me take another shower and sponged the area clean. I’ve never been uh; cleaned before. By someone else. I’m sure they were just trying to ensure that I’d removed all the cream, but by that point between the wife and I, I’m fairly confident we’d gotten it with the 3 hours I’d spent in the tub. Not the most pleasant experience.
Well, at least it doesn’t get worse. Oh wait, it actually does…
Showing me how to gauze the area was probably the worst experience, though. It seems like they were trying to figure it out themselves. It took them a few tries before they had the technique figured out, and as I stated previously; all of this still hadn’t removed all of the fucking hair. I can say that most of it is gone now, the amount of times they taped gauze down and then decided it didn’t look right and peeled the tape away. I should have just waxed, that’s how most of it seemingly came off anyway. Not fun.
Long story short, I’ve got a second degree burn. They’ve given me a big tub of some cream called silver sulfadiazine to apply to the area during bandage changes and a prescription for antibiotics. It should heal up in a few weeks with no permanent damage.
On another note, American Airlines was willing to adjust our flights due to the circumstances. I’m not looking forward to being crammed into an airplane tomorrow.
tl;dr went to ER, had bad experience.
Did I mention about how this manscaping couldn’t have gone much worse? Because damn, short of chopping your dick off I don’t think it could have.
Now watch a guy accidentally shoot himself in the face with a roman candle…
H/T Reddit; Man holding crotch image by Shutterstock