Buckle up, motherfuckers! The flu is playing for goddamn keeps this year and all the idiots who thought “Flu shot? Naw, son. I don’t get flu shots. Do you know who my father is?” are about to feel its wrath. Obviously I didn’t get a shot either, because I’m a fuckin’ renegade/moron too, but I’m starting to think maybe that wasn’t the finest decision I’ve ever made.
Just look at the latest map from the CDC. Shit is WIDESPREAD.
During week 52, the following influenza activity was reported:
- Widespread influenza activity was reported by 43 states (Alabama, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming).
- Regional influenza activity was reported by Puerto Rico and six states (Alaska, Arizona, California, Maine, Nevada, and Oregon).
- Sporadic influenza activity was reported by one state (Hawaii).
- The District of Columbia, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Islands did not report.
I know what you’re thinking, and I’m kind of still there with you, but the “Not me. I’m hottest shit in town” attitude is bound to catch up with us. The flu already KO’d two of our editors. It turned Rebecca Martinson and Chris Illuminati into glorified vomit factories. Ruined Illuminati’s family trip to the Catskills, which is a real shame because we all know how lovely the Catskills are this time of year. Fortunately for those two, they won’t be alone in their agony. Judging by the sound of all the coughing and sneezing from the other 30 people in our office, the rest of us will be puking our brains out sooner than later.