MTV2 recently announced that they’re going to be creating new episodes of Celebrity Deathmatch. The new episodes will feature the same animated fantasy fights, but will add some new features that accommodate to the increased use of social media. I am excited to see the show coming back, and I started speculating what kind of fights might go down in this new season. I decided to write down some suggestions, and predict the outcomes of these fights. Let’s get it on.
Katy Perry Vs. Taylor Swift
Pairing these two up in a new episode for Celebrity Deathmath is a no brainer. After all the twitter feuds and accusations these two slung at each other over the past year, they’d have to be crazy not to address this one. I’ve actually already broken down this hypothetical fight in great detail, but here’s how I think the deathmatch would go down.
For this matchup, Perry comes out as the aggressor while Swift passive aggressively deflects Perry’s insults. After Perry lands a few punches, Swift counters by using her long legs to her advantage by trapping Perry in a leg lock. Eventually, Perry escapes to her feet and attempts to charge Swift at full speed. Quickly thinking on her feet, Swift grabs her guitar and smashes it into Perry’s face. While standing over Perry, Swift sassily says, “You’re the only teardrops on this guitar slut.” Fueled by rage, Perry jumps to her feet and yells, “You’re gonna hear me roar bitch!” She comes at Swift with rapid haymakers and eventually smashes Swift’s face into the shape of guitar to which she spits on as a finishing move.
A. Ricardo — Shutterstock
Winner: Katy Perry
Kim Kardashian Vs. Paris Hilton
In this ambitious battle of no talent, we’ll see an epic showdown between two women who are famous for doing nothing. This match will probably involve some dialogue along these lines.
Paris: You know you stole the idea of blowing some guy to get famous from me.
Kim: Well maybe if you turned off that night vision camera you wouldn’t be stuck trying to prove you have talent with a musical career? Everyone knows talent is overrated, or maybe you’ve forgotten that.
The end of the fight will be a classic Texas whore off where each of them attempts to out whore each other. Their demise will ensue from trying to jam their own fists so far down their own throats that it eventually explodes out of their stomach.
Winner: Both – This is only free publicity to both of them. They invented the term, “any press is good press.”
C.S.I. Cast Vs. Law & Order: SVU Cast – Each side will spend the entire match trying to solve who the murderer was in the previous celebrity deathmatch until the ref declares a draw. This match will involve a lot of dusting for fingerprints on boobs, and using black lights to check for semen type humor. When asked why it’s declared a draw, the ref will simply respond by saying, “With these guys, it’s basically the same episode every time. Fight. I mean fight. Basically the same fight every time. So what’s the point in watching anymore?”
Winner: Everyone who has enough free time to still watch these shows
Florida Georgia Line Vs. Mumford & Sons
Mumford & Sons sound like they are born fighters with an Irish sound to their music, but they’re actually from London, England. Florida Georgia Line members are from the south – Georgia and Florida. At one point in the fight, a Mumford & Sons band member will attempt to distract them by offering them some tea while the other members attempt to load their muskets. While loading them, both Florida Georgia Line members will taste the tea and spit it out, quickly realizing that it was not iced tea, but was instead regular tea. They soon begin to suspect something is up, and realize that the other Mumford & Sons band members had been trying to load their muskets in the corner this whole time. Florida Georgia Line then pulls out their shotguns and wastes them like they’re human clay pigeons.
Florida Georgia Line
Winner: Florida Georgia Line
Justin Bieber Vs. A Jar of Mayonnaise
Now this matchup may seem unusual, but hear me out. Sure you could have Bieber get beaten up by a ton of people he’s pissed off, but where’s the fun in that? We mainly just want to see Bieber destroyed by someone. So what’s more humiliating than losing a fight to someone? It’s losing a fight to an inanimate object; hence the jar of mayonnaise.
The whole fight consists of him struggling to open up a jar of mayonnaise for an extended period of time. Finally, the lid bursts open and the jar goes sailing into the air in slow motion. The jar spins a few times in the air, and eventually lands snugly over Bieber’s head. He tries desperately to free the jar from his head by drinking his way through the mayonnaise for air, but he eventually ends up drowning in the viscous liquid. Soon afterwards, Johnny Knoxville comes out and says, “Oh no. That’s no mayonnaise that he just drowned in. We replaced that mayonnaise with horse semen earlier today as a prank.”
Warren Price Photography – Shutterstock
Winner: A Jar of “Mayonnaise” – and us the viewer
Hopefully these hold you over until the new episodes of Celebrity Deathmatch begin airing.
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