The Chelsea Bomber Committed So Many Blunders In His Failed Attack It’s Almost Laughable

28-year-old Ahmad Rahami was arrested on Monday afternoon, just 48 hours after a bomb exploded in Seaside Park, New Jersey, before a charity race to benefit Marines. Later that night, a pressure-cooker bomb exploded Saturday night in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood, wounding 29 people.

Ahmad, a naturalized American citizen, was captured due to a combination of nifty police work and bonehead clues and errors Ahmad left in his wake.

Here are just a few of the blunders Rahami committed that led to his capture:

  • Rahami’s fingerprints and DNA were found at the scene of Saturday’s bombing in Chelsea. Leaving no prints behind is Crime 101, shithead.
  • Rahami was captured on surveillance, with no disguise, dragging a bag on the street near the scene of the New York bombing. Dude, cameras. Be dumber.
  • He was captured once again on surveillance in New Jersey, again disguise-less. Again, cameras, you jerkoff.
  • Electronic toll records showed a car to which he had access was driven from New Jersey to Manhattan and back again on the day of the bombing. Have you even watched The Night Of?
  • Rahami had used his own cell phone to attempt to detonate one of the many bombs that failed to explode. The phone he used to call his friends and family. I’m no expert, but a burner may have been the smart choice here, dickfuck.
  • Rahami planted eight other explosives, that all failed to detonate. Read a book, dude.
  • The dude had absolutely no escape route planned after the attacks. He ended up sleeping in the doorway of a bar in Linden, New Jersey, not far from Elizabeth, New Jersey, the town he lived in with his family. The bar owner recognized him from his face plastered on the news, and called authorities. Oh, so you’re not even trying at this point. K.

After a shootout with police where Rahami suffered a gunshot wound to his leg, Rahami is being held on $5.2 million bail, charged with five counts of attempted murder of police officers.

Might wanna start a GoFundMe or something for that 5.2 mill.

[h/t Daily Mail]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.