Now that I’m technically an adult, it’s pretty standard that I begin to notice weird, inexplicable trends amongst my peers. Which kinds of people take their jobs too seriously, which kinds of people moonlight as the most insufferable pieces of shit on the face of Earth, which kinds of people probably sleep in their cars (I don’t travel in nice circles). I also begin to notice what the dominant topics of conversation usually are. Such as childhood. And, honestly, I think the biggest shock of these conversations is how much people talk about fucking Chuck E. Cheese’s. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills or something. From what I remember, it was essentially an indoor playground that also had a few arcade games and pizza. And everyone always jumps down my throat about the quality of the pizza. I don’t remember what it tasted like. I was too busy not shitting my pants when the giant humanoid rat wearing a crew neck sweater shirt was running around trying hug me. Sorry if I had trouble digesting the quality of the pizza at an indoor arcade/playground with these guys breathing down my neck.
Regardless, the point of this rant is that, as an adult, I can’t think of anything that would drive me to step foot in a Chuck E. Cheese establishment for any reason. But that’s why this post isn’t about me. It’s about this dude who tried to rob a Chuck E. Cheese.
“On Wednesday afternoon, a man asked for a job application at Chuck E. Cheese’s in Lexington and then later asked to rob the restaurant’s safe.
Police Lt. Andrew Daughtery said the manager of Chuck E. Cheese’s on New Circle Road told police that a man came into the restaurant about 2 p.m. Wednesday to get a job application. The man later returned to the Chuck E. Cheese’s for a job interview about 4 p.m.
During the interview, the man announced that he wanted to rob Chuck E. Cheese’s and implied that he had a firearm, Daughtery said. The manager then said he didn’t have access to the restaurant’s safe and advised the man to leave. Daughtery could not confirm whether patrons were in the restaurant at the time.
Police are now searching for the robber, whose name has not been released.
It was the same restaurant that closed abruptly in March because staff was overwhelmed by the number of kids in the establishment, police said.”
Listen, I’m no criminal, but of all the places to knock over for some extra cash, why a Chuck E. Cheese? Why not like a liquor store or an adult book store. If it’s cash you’re concerned about, those are great options. No one uses plastic when buying erotic novels about a romantic evening eating ass with two lumberjacks in the Swiss Alps. I mean, yes, I’m sure Chuck E. Cheese rakes in the dough, but it’s also a corporate entity. That place is insured from the balls to the eyeballs. You can’t just knock them over willy nilly. There’s probably like one camera blind spot in their entire place and the employees use it to do key bumps on their lunch break. This is why, if you’re going to rob a place at gunpoint, you have to hit the bad part of town. You knock over a mom and pop drugstore or the local crack den, you’re making out like a bandit and they will never catch you since they can’t afford cameras.
Side note: Quick tip to all you aspiring robbers out there. Don’t fill out a job application with your name on it two hours before attempting to rob the place.