Cross Country Runner Gets Absolutely Obliterated By A Deer Who Sprinted Out Of The Woods

Poor cross country kids. First their parents force them to play a sport and then nature was like “ya bad idea.” All these kids wanted was a letterman jacket with a sport on the back so they wouldn’t be sitting alone at lunch like Stephen Glansberg and have a shot getting a date to the formal. No one really wants to run. Running in other sports is just means to an end. Just as I wouldn’t drink O’Doul’s unless it would get me blind drunk, I wouldn’t run unless I could score a basket or a touchdown. Regardless, this kid needs to quit. Now. I don’t know much but I do know that if a deer comes out of nowhere and bundles you, in any situation, change your plans. God is speaking. Listen up.

P.S. I have nothing against cross country athletes. I genuinely think running long distance is the hardest thing a human can do. I just hate on things that I can’t do to make myself feel better. Also, fuck making a girl cum. Shit’s for the birds.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.