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To be perfectly honest, I have never used the term “cuffing” outside of the confines of this article. However, using “dating” seemed too juvenile, and using “going steady” seemed too reminiscent of a time when men and women actually had moral high ground to stand on. Therefore, I’m forced to succumb to the usage of this millennial-Tumblr-fuckboy-term.
For those of you incapable of picking up on context clues, cuffing is defined as the act of settling down/dating which generally happens after Labor Day weekend and concludes before Memorial Day weekend. Think of it as hibernation, but instead of sleeping, you’re sacrificing your sexual freedom.
I suppose cuffing season can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. I’d say it can range from someone who comes over regularly to watch shitty Netflix documentaries, drink shitty Chardonnay and have shitty sex with you to someone you’re legitimately in a relationship with—you know, meeting the parents and all that uncomfortable jazz.
I want to be clear—I think relationships are a wonderful thing so long as there’s the necessary cocktails of ingredients that make it work—trust, respect, love, yadda, yadda, yadda. Without these things, what’s the point?
Cuffing Season: Is It For You?
Before we fully dive into the argument here, let’s get this over with: for those of you who believe monogamy to be unnatural, you really should start reading more. Monogamy exists in the natural word—like in the animal kingdom and shit. There are plenty of species who mate for life: Swans, Wolves, Termites, and the most #Merica of all, Bald Eagles. If it’s good enough for a Bald Eagle, it’s good enough for you! I could have definitely named more, but you get the point.
I do understand the argument that it’s “unnatural” because the point of sex is to spread your seed with multiple partners to create as many offspring as possible, but let’s be real, not too many guys are doing it for that reason—except Mormons.
My following statement is going to seem hypocritical to everything I’ve already said, but frankly, I don’t think cuffing season is a good idea at all.
Hear me out—I know I said relationships are a great thing and that monogamy is natural and all, but to date someone under the pretenses that come Memorial Day weekend you’re gonna call it quits is well—pretty fucking dumb. That’s not dating—it’s expiration dating (I may have gotten that from Sex and The City—I’m not entirely sure).
It’s possible that you’ll end up falling hopelessly in love with this person you’ve chosen to spend cuffing season with but to be fair, if you enter a relationship with anything less than 100% you aren’t going to yield great results. If and when you settle down, it should be because you’re ready for commitment and companionship not because you’re bored.
I think that’s really the whole idea behind cuffing season—satiating boredom. The summertime is full of potential conquests—half-naked and basking in the sun, ready for poor decisions fueled by shitty house music and overpriced cocktails.
The winter breeds solitude, but it’s not something most people can handle, and honestly, I can’t really blame them (that was sarcasm). If you spend the entire summer surrounded by people—blowing lines off of toilet bowls and giving yourself melanoma, you’re going to have some serious human interaction withdrawals come fall, and consequently winter as well. Thus cuffing season crosses your mind, and at the very least, the promise of company is on the horizon.
You want someone to take on the dark days of winter with you, right? That has to be it. I can’t think of another legitimate explanation beside that to explain this dumb millennial phenomenon. Here’s an idea though, maybe don’t be such a pussy. Maybe accept the fact that you don’t need another person to occupy your time and that you’re perfectly capable of surviving winter alone. It’s not like you’re in the middle of the icy tundra. Invest in a heated blanket and a good recipe for chicken soup and get that shit done.
Cuffing season is for the weak. If you want to be in a relationship, yes, it’s worth settling down—every time, but if you can’t hack it on your own because you’re a little baby back bitch who needs to be coddled through a little bit of snow then you should most likely seek professional help in the realm of some talk therapy or shit.