The Curious Case Of The $500 Fart
I think I’m a pretty prolific individual when it comes to passing gas. I’d put my talents up against anyone, especially after a night of downing Cafe Patron shots followed by a late night snack of enchiladas and frijoles that are heavy on the Cotija cheese. If that company that started a Kickstarter to bottle farts asked me how much I would accept to contribute to their cause, I would approximate that my very particular set of skills would be worthy of being compensated $42.50 for every bottle that I filled with flatulence. It turns out that my $42.50 for canned ass coughs is a actually a bargain because this gentleman’s farts cost a bar $500.
We take you back to June 2014, where a band was performing at the Madam’s Organ Blues bar in Washington, D.C. Unfortunately a combination of bad timing and bad floating air biscuits caused the bar to lose some money. The drummer of the band was doing some toxic crop dusting, but he had the common decency to crack open a window to let his ass ghosts escape the venue without overwhelming the crowd that was there. Just as he was busting ass out the window an Alcohol Beverage Regulation Administration inspector arrived at 1:30 a.m. and noticed that the window was open.
The open window violated a 2008 settlement agreement which stated, “The doors and windows of the establishment will remain closed from 12:30 a.m. until closing when live music is being played.”
Last week, the Alcohol Beverage Regulation Administration fined the bar $500 for the ghastly mishap. The bar’s owner, Bill Duggan, was fuming once he caught wind of the fine and is fighting it. “Twenty fucking years with not one violation and this is what they came up with,” Duggan blasted. “People get stabbed and shot in these other establishments. In ours, someone farts and cracks a window and they spend a year on it.”
According to the order, Madam’s Organ has 30 days to pay the fine. Duggan, who had something crawl up his butt and is still angry, says that he may appeal.
You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. So just spray away and blame somebody else.