This Dead Animal Found In A Dude’s Footlong Sandwich Is The Best PR Subway’s Had All Year

First off, I’d like to give a tip of the cap to my colleague Cass Anderson for the headline. We decided that mine was a little too much: ‘What This Dude Found In His Subway Sub Is Almost As Disgusting As Their Spokesperson Being A Pedophile.’ Probably too much.

Anyhoo, according to Death and Taxes Magazine, a Lincoln City, Oregon man went to Subway and ordered a footlong Italian (with some extra spinach).  It looks like he chose provolone cheese, a little rat, some tomato. WAIT. A FUCKING RAT.

The Health Department was called to inspect the store and concluded that the mouse seems to have been in the bag of spinach, and wasn’t due to an infestation in the store.

Says a Subway spokesperson to KGW:

As soon as the customer alerted the owner about what happened, they were immediately given a full refund and an investigation was launched. To be cautious, all of the products in the sandwich unit were disposed of and a thorough cleaning took place, in which the Health Department gave the restaurant a clean bill of health. There were no other complaints made.

“There were no other complaints made,” just a rat in a sandwich. But besides that, everything’s good! You want pickles?

Is Subway even trying at this point?

Not only do all their sandwiches taste exactly the fucking same, their spokesperson was a porn-peddling dirtbag, their sponsored athletes consist of Apolo Anton Ohno and Michael Phelps–probably the two biggest stiffs in the history of sport. Hey, toss a slippery dead rat in a sandwich to complete the cycle of self-destruction. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if select Subways hung the ISIS flag outside their establishments, and then shrugged with their palms up like “what? what did we do?”

I’ve run fucking lemonade stands better than circus that is Subway.

[h/t Death and Taxes]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.