Dude Sends A 55-Gallon Drum Of Anal Lube To Brock Turner’s House As A ‘Welcome Home From Prison’ Gift

Brock Turner is scheduled to be released from prison on Friday, after serving only three of his six month sentence for sexually assaulting an unconscious classmate behind a dumpster. Basically, the Stanford swimmer’s punishment for a crime people typically get three years for was being sent to a really shitty summer camp. With butt sex.

But I’m not here to dump on the dude. Brock’s lenient sentence will likely be counteracted by the degree of difficulty assimilating back into society when his face was all over the world wide webs for months. And I believe people who do horrible shit can get better. So this will likely be my last blog ever about him.

And I’m so glad it’s about butt lube.

A leading adult entertainment publicist dug into his pockets to the tune of $617 and sent Brock Turner a nice little coming home present: A 55-gallon drum of slick lube.

Not going to lie, kind of jealous of Brock right now. I’ve been whacking it dry for a decade now and a tub of lube would cut down my masturbation time by 80%. I could use all that extra time to get my life together.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.