It’s been famously said that there’s an app for everything these days, which, depending on how you look at it, is either a glorious symbol of the wonders of the technological age or a symbol of the downfall of humanity. Either way.
But we’re not here to discuss the philosophical ramifications of apps (I’m sure there’s an app for that.) No, we’re here to discuss which apps are absolutely essential for you, the discerning bro.
“Do I really need all these apps?” you may ask, and the answer is simple: yes, yes you do. It’s a dangerous world. You could die out there, bros, if you don’t come correct. Thankfully, we’ve got you covered with these 10 apps that are essential for every bro.
UpLust (link NSFW as hell) is a new app that is basically Instagram, only with titties. Look, I get what matters to you.
Sure, it’s not exactly an app that you want to show off to mom (or find mom’s profile on for that matter) but let’s cut through all the bullshit, okay? I know you’re only trolling Instagram for a stray nip. You know you’re only trolling Instagram for a stray nip. UpLust encourages nips of all kinds, stray, tamed and free-range. 90% of you already clicked on the link and aren’t even reading this anymore, are you?
Mixologist is an app that basically tells you how to make just about any drink you can think of, which if I know you, and I’m guessing I do, is something that might appeal to you.
Mixologist actually costs $0.99, which isn’t exactly a hardship, but I get it, times are tough. Luckily, there is a free version, called Mixology. The only real difference is it has ads, but an occasional ad is a small price to pay for knowing how to make that one drink. Yeah, you know the one. The one that’s her favorite? Yeah, that’s the one.
Spun is a cool little app that lets you mash-up videos from your phone with whatever crazy shit you find stuffed in the Internet tubes in order to create quick videos that are only a few seconds long. Basically, it’s a brand new meme machine and I know how much you love – no, how much you need – your memes.
The videos only take a couple of minutes to create, and hey, if it’s good enough for Shaq and the dudes behind It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, who are just a couple of the early content partners of this app, then it’s good enough for you, you cretin. Here’s a SPUN…
— SPUN (@SPUN) November 3, 2015
There are a lot of fitness apps out there, but most of them are focused on quick 7-minute workouts or yogilates or whatever the fuck your 90-pound vegan cousin is into, and most of them ignore one basic and vital question: do you even lift, bro?
JEFIT understands this, and while it’s still concerned with your overall fitness (it has programs for everything from workouts for baseball players to Hans and Frans “Pump You Up” craziness) it’s got a decent exercise database and, more importantly, a community of people willing to share their own routines with one thing in mind: getting you swole as fuck, bro.
Look, you probably don’t need me to explain what this is to you. At least I hope not.
What I will say is that I understand that you’re busy. We all are. And sometimes that means you’ve got to miss the game in order to do body-shots with a bunch of nuns on weekend leave from the convent or – ugh – because your horrible kid has a soccer game and you missed his last game because you were busy doing rails off of Sister Mary Theresa’s ass.
WatchESPN understands this too, and it will let you follow the game on your phone even as you descend into a world of debauchery and moral ruination. Or watch your kid score their first goal. Either way.
Look, you know what Snapchat is already. And you know what it’s for. Can you live without Snapchat? Probably. But what kind of life is that? A life without spontaneous drunken titty pics, that’s what.
Of course, you’re more likely to just get drunken dick pics as a “joke” from your bros, but the possibility is always there for a titty pick and that’s what life is all about: embracing the possible.
Waze is a real-time traffic app, which sounds boring, but what makes it different from, say, Google Maps, is that it’s crowd-sourced, meaning that drivers just like you are telling you down to the minute what you can expect.
I mean, it’s one thing to know a basic route and how much time it’s estimated to take, blah, blah, blah, but sometimes you need to know if a crackhead is holding up traffic wandering around naked in the street playing a chicken like a guitar. And that’s where Waze has everyone else beat.
GasBuddy is one of those apps that is so simple, it’s amazing that no one thought of it before. Basically, it lets you see where all the gas stations are nearby, along with the cost of a gallon of gas at each one.
Given that the last few years have seen various spikes in oil prices that have left us all pondering whether or not to take up weekend hooking on Craigslist, you can see why this is so valuable to everyone. But it’s especially valuable to someone who likes to travel, who might find themselves in a strange city with a tank nearly on E. We’ve all been there, but now, thanks to GasBuddy, we don’t have to ponder siphoning gas outside Taco Bell.
SAS Survival Guide
You never know when you’re going to be minding your own business only to have your car break down in the middle of the desert or to be kidnapped by Bigfoot. Before, you’d just have to die of thirst and be eaten by lizards or learn to enjoy the gentle embrace of Sasquatch. But now, thanks to The SAS Survival Guide app, you can just pull out your phone and learn how to survive commando style.
There’s a “lite” version, which is free and a “heavy” version that costs $5.99, but unless you plan on fighting off Bigfoot while stranded in the desert at the same time, which seems improbable, you’ll probably be fine with the lite version. Look, I just don’t want you to get molested by Bigfoot. That’s all I’m saying here.
Look, you don’t need a link here. You either have Tinder or you don’t. You’ve made your decision.
And while Tinder may indeed be the beginning of the end for humanity, you can’t deny that you’re really cutting yourself off from the game if you don’t at least dip your toe into the Tinder ocean (that’s not water in that ocean…)
Sure, you might be “better” than Tinder, or think that it’s “gross.” Those are valid points. You know what else is a valid point? Cheap, meaningless sex. Sweet, no-strings attached hookups with horned-up… wait, what were we talking about again?
Oh right, you’re “better” than Tinder. No. No, you’re not. Swipe right, and let your penis’ version of the “I have a dream” speech come true. Just don’t name your penis Martin Luther King, Jr. Because that would be offensive.
Man using phone image by Shutterstock