Why I Would Fail The ’36 Questions That Can Make Strangers Fall In Love With Each Other’ Test Every Time

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If you have as little to do at work as I do and therefore aimlessly browse the Internet in your spare time, you may have come across the article going around about the 36 questions that can make strangers fall in love with each other. Long story short, a psychologist created a list of personal questions and ran an experiment where pairs of strangers answered them and then stared into each other’s eyes for four minutes at the end. Apparently, it kind of works; a New York Times columnist who brought the story to the spotlight actually fell in love (whatever the hell that means) with a coworker after running through the questions with him while at a bar.

This experiment could have massive implications in freeing you from the friend zone with the girl that you, like Ice Cube, have been tryna stuff since the 12th grade. Ironically, she may chronically tell you about other people she hooks up with but it just kind of makes you more interested.

Fortunately for me, I don’t have that specific issue. Unfortunately for me, I am terrified of commitment and can’t hold down a relationship with a girl for more than a month. Quick (completely true) story: Last weekend I avoided having sex with a human woman because I had hooked up with her the week before and my friend jokingly called her “my girl.” I’ve thought that maybe I need the kind of help that only “36 Questions” can give me, but to be brutally honest, I don’t think it would work out that well…

 

Question 7: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

First off, this is a fucked up question. Unless you are imminently suicidal, you probably have no clue how you will die. I guess I’d have to say I’ll probably die of old age even though that’s boring as shit. I want to make my funeral more fun by writing a eugoogily for myself and having someone else read it at the service: “My only regret in life is having to spend time with every single one of you. See you fuckers in hell.” Also, I know what a eulogy is, you just haven’t seen Zoolander in a while.

 

Question 9: For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

A lot of people might choose friends and family, but we all know that’s just superficial bullshit people say because that’s what they’re supposed to do. I would like to say I’m most grateful for being born a privileged white American male, but as such, I refuse to believe that my success came from anything less than my own doing. So I guess I’d have to go with a combination of good music, good food, and Brazzers. #blessed

 

Question 13: If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you like to know?

The lack of Oxford comma in this question bothers me immensely. I would frantically try to explain this to my partner who, unless she were an English teacher or a librarian, would not appreciate my concerns. But I guess I’d like to see next week’s lotto numbers. That would be pretty cool.

 

Question 14: What is something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

This recurring dream I’ve had since I was a kid involves things too terrible to describe on this website or to another person. Let’s just say it involves a can opener, a banana, two gerbils, novelty size sunglasses, and one of those step-on pianos from that Tom Hanks movie. I have, unfortunately, done many of those things. The few I haven’t done are only because my hands aren’t steady enough to pull off such a procedure.

 

Question 19: If you knew in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

Hell yes, I’d change everything. It would be the best damn year of my life, that’s for sure. I’m not above shamelessly using my situation to get laid, and I sure as hell won’t need to worry about condoms anymore. Drugs, skydiving, rock and roll, dancing contests, you name it. I’d probably not even survive the year.

 

Question 21: What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Love is for pussies and women. Antibiotics will take care of affections.

 

Question 24: How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Once during Christmas, I complimented her wrapping ability. We made eye contact, smiled, and leaned in really close to each other…then I started beatboxing while she spat one of the most dope verses I’ve ever heard. I’d guess you’d call our relationship collaborative.

 

Question 25: Make three true “we” statements. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling __”

Me: Horny.

Girl: No

Me: You sure?

Girl: Definitely

 

If my partner actually makes it through question 36 and on to the staring contest then maybe she’s actually the one.

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