Forensic Experts Revealed What Jesus Likely Looked Like And My Whole Life Has Been A Lie

jesus

^This dude may be just your everyday 9-5 carpenter with a drinking problem.

According to Yahoo News,

Richard Neave has thrown a wrench in the Eurocentric depiction of Christianity’s founding son. Using forensic data from the skulls of first century Jewish men, the British anatomical artist retired from University of Manchester, reimagined Jesus’ face.

Neave looked at the skulls of Semites from around Galilee in Northern Israel, recreating them with the help of a series of computerized x-rays. He augmented his research — for example, for Jesus’ hair — by examining drawings depicting the average man from this region and time to fill in the remaining gaps.

This is the result.

jesus

If this dude ascended from the Heavens today sitting on top of a golden unicorn while sporting an “I AM JESUS” tattoo across his chest, I’d be like “Oh cool, this dude must be Jesus’ opening act.” Not for one second would I believe that this grizzly Judd Apatow-looking mafucka was the Chosen One. Take one look at that face–even this dude’s surprised he won the sweepstakes. He’s like “What me?” That’s the face of a dude who’s got skeletons in his closet, not the dude who’s going to cure your gramma’s Alzheimers.

jesus 1

 

jesus 2

jesus 22

 

jesus 4

jesus 3

I call bullshit.

[h/t Yahoo! News]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.