Welp, it’s almost college football season, and you know what that means. Yep, cannibalism. Listen I’m not here to pass judgement. You get a few beer bongs in you and suddenly a poorly-cooked sausage and a dude’s forearm look pretty interchangeable. We’ve all been there. I’d argue that you haven’t really lived until you’ve drank your mother’s weight in well-gin and eaten tacos so fast that you accidentally chew on your fingers but don’t notice until the taco is gone and your hands are just mangled collections of skin.
That being said, there is a line. For instance, cannibalism is alright in certain situations. Like if it’s accidental (a la you’re a little high and your fat neighbor’s fists look like two little hams) or if it’s for survival (a la you’re equally as high but it’s also the nuclear apocalypse and you’ve run out of food because your fat neighbor ate it all now you need to make the decision which of your crew would better serve the greater good by roasting on a spit over an open flame). Incidentally, this story of Austin Harrouff, a member of FSU’s Alpha Delta Phi fraternity chapter, and his two adult cohorts murdering and eating a random couple in Florida falls into neither of those categories.
Via CBS 12:
“The Martin County Sheriff’s Office is trying to piece together an extremely gruesome and violent attack on a married couple at a home near Tequesta, Florida…Authorities have identified the suspect as 19-year-old Florida State University student Austin Harrouff. The victims have been identified as 59-year-old John Joseph Stevens III and 53-year-old Michelle Karen Mishcon. Deputies were called to the 9000 block of Kokomo Lane around 9:20 p.m. Tuesday in reference to a stabbing. Sheriff William Snyder said the caller, a neighbor, had been stabbed after trying to break up a fight across the street.
When the first deputy arrived, the sheriff said she had found the suspect on top of a male victim who was laying in the drive-way of the home. The sheriff said the suspect was biting the victim on the face, removing the victim’s flesh with his teeth. The sheriff said it took multiple deputies including use of a stun gun, and a K-9, to get the suspect off the victim and to get him to stop biting the male victim. After use of great force from all of the deputies, they were able to get him off the victim and restrain him.
The victim in the drive-way, a male approximately 40 to 50 years of age, was pronounced dead at the scene. His wife was found dead inside of the home’s garage, the sheriff said. Jeff Fisher, the Good Samaritan who called 911 and tried to rescue his neighbor– suffered substantial injuries. was airlifted to St. Mary’s Trauma Center where he underwent emergency surgery. His father told CBS12 he has stab wounds to the upper part of his body but should recover. The suspect was also taken to St. Mary’s Medical Center where he is undergoing treatment. The sheriff said It is unknown when asked by media if the suspect was under the influence of bath salts, or flakka but they are investigating.”
So putting cannibalism aside for a second, I’m pretty sure that guy’s a zombie. I mean, sure, I have no concrete evidence to backup this claim, but I also have no evidence that disproves it. I mean, it would explain a few things. Zombies travel in packs. Not by choice, but when a zombie bumps into another zombie, they just become a pair, because they’re both looking for the same thing. It would explain how a 19 year-old FSU student got tangled up with two fifty-year-old men and ended up in some random couple’s house. That or this college-educated, 19 year-old kid somehow ended up in the same drug den as these two adult men. Bath salts is just a cop out here. Either the zombie apocalypse already started and the government is lying to us or we need to start educating our children early about the slippery slope associated with tasting human flesh. A nibble becomes a bite becomes an arm becomes a person. And, once you eat a whole person, there’s no coming back.
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