‘I’d Do Butt Stuff For Gronkowski’–Interviews With Passengers Aboard Gronk’s Party Cruise Are A++

If aliens come descend upon us and scorch the earth and this video is the last artifact to represent all of humanity, I couldn’t possibly be more proud. Top-shelf entertainment.

Let’s break down the interviews because every one of them deserves their own reality show.

I hope to someday reach this chick’s level of self-assurance. She may not have beauty queen face or the hour-glass figure to swoon Gronk, but she’s got the perseverance and the intangibles to compete with those pretty faced chicks who are scared shitless of butt stuff. Sometimes its not how good you look that matters, it’s how bad you want it.

This dude went from “I won’t have sex without a condom” to “I’ll slap dicks with Gronk because he’s a star” in a matter of seconds. I honestly would be shocked if this dude didn’t swan dive into the Atlantic Ocean on a dare.

Love the facial sequence after he said “Hell ya, I’d be all up in that.” Completely lost his train of thought.

This guy seemed like the most sober, sane person in the video until he cooked up the tall tale about his sexual history and his big swingin’ beef thermometer. World-class self-promotion by playing the lanky shy kid with a hammer narrative but if this dude genuinely has fucked 600 girls, then I’m jumping overboard into the Atlantic with the dude who wants to touch dicks with Gronk.

This bro would be a fucking ball to party with. The Don Billingsly doppleganger drank his sideburns fresh off. The Slurred Southern accent, isosceles triangle traps, and insistence of not wrapping it up are all glaring indicators that this dude’s default setting is “blackout.”

Dude couldn’t even look the interviewer in the eye when he told him he wasn’t on drugs. I started rolling just watching him.

Debilitating hangover and dangerous sunburn. This chick is the last person on the planet I’d want to be today.

P.S. We’ve been going in on the Gronk boat cruise content today, but the treasure trove seemingly has no bottom.

[The Woody Show]

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.