A Handy Guide To How Far You Should Travel To Punch A Person

Face Punch


Late yesterday, a story leaked that Memphis Grizzlies forward Matt Barnes attacked New York Knicks coach Derek Fisher after he found out his former teammate was dating his ex-wife Gloria Govan. This is understandable.

Jealousy is understandable.

Rage is understandable.

Driving 95 miles to punch a guy in the face is absolutely ridiculous.

Anger is a powerful motivator that causes men, and occasionally women, to do incredibly asinine things.

How many times, in the midst of blinding rage, did you stop and ask yourself “what the fuck am I doing?” I’ll assume countless times. Even if it common sense and calm doesn’t strike in the moment, it only takes a few moments of controlled breathing to realize it’s not worth the heighten blood pressure and possible legal ramifications. Just look at jalapeño mac & cheese guy. At least he’s got the excuse of elevated alcohol levels.

Matt Barnes had ninety five miles to realize “this isn’t going to end well” and still went through with his planned assault. Driving almost a hundred miles to punch another human being in the face is the work of a crazy person.

Now, I’m not saying a physical altercation isn’t coming Derek Fisher’s way, but the amount of time and mileage spent is aggressive, at the very least, excessive.  I’m proposing the following as the number of acceptable miles one should travel to punch a person.

1-20 miles:  Absolutely. Especially any trip under 10 miles. If it takes passing no more than three Starbucks, you have to seek revenge.
21-40 miles: The act against must be incredibly egregious. He really had to have done something awful or you’ve got nothing else to do.
41-60 miles: That’s pushing it. Maybe if it involves the element of surprise or if you’ve got off from work the next day.
61-100 miles: Ehh, I’d just wait until the next time you see the guy. The Grizzlies play the Knick on Jan 16th. I’m sure that seems like a long time away for Barnes and it’s also assuming he’s still on the roster after all this kerfuffle.
Over 100 miles: It better be murder. I’m not saying murder someone, but, it just better…

And never call Uber. That’s a witness and physical proof for the prosecution to use against you.