This Guy Quit Drinking Alcohol For Two Years And Says Life Is ‘A Whole Lot Better’ For Him Now

by 3 years ago


Look people, if you’re drinking so much that you:

  1. Gain weight
  2. Bail on shit you planned for yourself to do that day
  3. Are blacked-out more hours of the day then not
  4. Can’t function without it on a daily basis
  5. Are sorta broke

Then surprise surprise, YOU’RE DRINKING TOO MUCH. Now, that’s not to say that Chicago-based web developer Andy Boyle was an alcoholic by any means – just that if he managed to lose 75 pounds just from cutting out the booze, then by logic’s standards he was probably drinking too much. After abstaining from booze for a whopping two years, Andy shared the nine things he learned from the experience with TODAY, saying:


“1. You don’t have to drink to have fun.”

Even Andy seems to think that one’s a bit of a “duh” by starting out by saying “What a shocker!” No shit dude, ever been to Disney World? Ever been to Disney World drunk? It’s awful. Imagine being around relatively sober people and screaming children. Now imagine the same thing except you’re hammered, plus it’s hot, plus you have to walk everywhere, PLUS there’s a dude in a Donald Duck costume who you swear is stalking you throughout the park. Ugh, my nightmares incarnate.

“2. You have way fewer regrets.”

Andy says that since he’s stopped drinking, “I’ve yet to wake up and look at my phone, see something I texted, and go ‘Ugh, wwwwwwwhhhy.’ I’m in control of my actions basically all of the time.”

Well yeah dude, that’s because you’re ALWAYS in control of your actions all of the time, unless you were abducted by the SAW killer. Did that happen frequently to you whenever you were drinking? Because in that case you definitely should’ve stopped way more than two years ago. My point being, alcohol isn’t a scapegoat – if you texted your mom “Nice boobies, me likely” after six beers, just because you regretted it in the morning doesn’t mean you weren’t “in control.”

“3. People will judge the heck out of you.”

Andy says he’s had friends stop hanging out with him because he doesn’t drink, which is horseshit. Not that he’s LYING or anything, but just that those friends suck. Friendships shouldn’t be based around what sort of substances you chug down your gullet, so in this case good for you Andy – keep up with that fire sale of baseless friendships you’ve got going on in your front yard. Kaitlyn looks like a real bitch and tried to get me to shoot heroin with her when she got here, let’s try to drop that one next.

“4. You sleep so much better.”

Yes, I would imagine not having to wake up at 4 a.m. because the overwhelming need to vomit has caused you to roll out of your bed and face-first into the trash can you keep next to your nightstand would mean you sleep better.

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