Look people, if you’re drinking so much that you:
- Gain weight
- Bail on shit you planned for yourself to do that day
- Are blacked-out more hours of the day then not
- Can’t function without it on a daily basis
- Are sorta broke
Then surprise surprise, YOU’RE DRINKING TOO MUCH. Now, that’s not to say that Chicago-based web developer Andy Boyle was an alcoholic by any means – just that if he managed to lose 75 pounds just from cutting out the booze, then by logic’s standards he was probably drinking too much. After abstaining from booze for a whopping two years, Andy shared the nine things he learned from the experience with TODAY, saying:
“1. You don’t have to drink to have fun.”
Even Andy seems to think that one’s a bit of a “duh” by starting out by saying “What a shocker!” No shit dude, ever been to Disney World? Ever been to Disney World drunk? It’s awful. Imagine being around relatively sober people and screaming children. Now imagine the same thing except you’re hammered, plus it’s hot, plus you have to walk everywhere, PLUS there’s a dude in a Donald Duck costume who you swear is stalking you throughout the park. Ugh, my nightmares incarnate.
“2. You have way fewer regrets.”
Andy says that since he’s stopped drinking, “I’ve yet to wake up and look at my phone, see something I texted, and go ‘Ugh, wwwwwwwhhhy.’ I’m in control of my actions basically all of the time.”
Well yeah dude, that’s because you’re ALWAYS in control of your actions all of the time, unless you were abducted by the SAW killer. Did that happen frequently to you whenever you were drinking? Because in that case you definitely should’ve stopped way more than two years ago. My point being, alcohol isn’t a scapegoat – if you texted your mom “Nice boobies, me likely” after six beers, just because you regretted it in the morning doesn’t mean you weren’t “in control.”
“3. People will judge the heck out of you.”
Andy says he’s had friends stop hanging out with him because he doesn’t drink, which is horseshit. Not that he’s LYING or anything, but just that those friends suck. Friendships shouldn’t be based around what sort of substances you chug down your gullet, so in this case good for you Andy – keep up with that fire sale of baseless friendships you’ve got going on in your front yard. Kaitlyn looks like a real bitch and tried to get me to shoot heroin with her when she got here, let’s try to drop that one next.
“4. You sleep so much better.”
Yes, I would imagine not having to wake up at 4 a.m. because the overwhelming need to vomit has caused you to roll out of your bed and face-first into the trash can you keep next to your nightstand would mean you sleep better.
“5. You get less sad.”
Andy says he doesn’t “hate myself nearly as much as I used to,” which is very sad and depressing. I’m not going to shit on that because, like I just said, it’s sad and depressing.
Good on Andy for cheering up.
“6. You develop more empathy for others.”
I wouldn’t attribute this so much to quitting alcohol as I would to “maybe you’re just less of an asshole now.” Or maybe Andy is only less of an asshole because he quit drinking, I don’t know. The point is, if you were drinking so much that it impaired your sober ability to deal with fucksticks on the road, you had a problem.
“7. You save so much money.”
Andy says that he was able to pay for one-fourth of his down payment for a condo with the money he saved from not drinking. Excuse me dude, but holy shit how much were you drinking??? Granted yes, alcohol is expensive, but it’s not enough to throw down money for a condo. Then again, Andy can clearly drink more than me as he’s a 6’-something dude over 170 pounds. I am 5’7” and 120 pounds – even water gets me buzzed.
“8. You get tired earlier.”
According to Andy, quitting alcohol has let him becoming “content with what I’ve done for the day and my body wants to go to bed.” Just like Andy, I’ve gotta say “I dig that.” I get the opposite of FOMO which is “FOGO,” aka “Fuck Off Go Away.” Fuck trying to find another adventure when it’s 1:00 a.m. on Monday and literally everyone on your contacts list is home asleep – just go to bed dude. Tomorrow is another day. It’ll probably be just as shitty as today was, but there’s at least a chance it won’t suck as bad.
“9. You become amazingly productive.”
Look, any substance that keeps you from doing your daily goals is something you should cut from your life, be it alcohol or cheese poofs. You wanted to go to the gym all last week but chose to sit at home and eat cheese poofs instead? Quit the cheese poofs. You’ve needed groceries for the past 3 weeks but chose to just drink at home instead? Maybe you should lay off the booze a bit, huh?
Congratulations on Andy for staying relatively sober for two years (he does concede that he’s done a few shots of Malort with people who’ve never tried the Chicago-based liqueur), but most of these points aren’t problem if you aren’t a heavy drinker – from what it sounds like, Andy was drinking every day. Maybe all he needed was a lesson in moderation as opposed to abstinence, but at the same time I get that for some people it’s either all or nothing. In any case, good on him for realizing he had a problem and doing something about it – if you’re in the same situation, could the same be said for you?