Guy Spits The Best One-Liner Ever Created Right Before He Was Arrested For Railing Coke On A Public Park Bench


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“Like duh, the fuck were you expecting officer? It’s Colorado. It’s fucking Aspen, aka a town where if you’re not doing coke you’re probably cremated because even the corpses are snorting fat lines of snow up their noses.”

…is what I WOULD say if I knew jack shit about Aspen. I can’t ski and I hate snow so obviously Aspen isn’t exactly my mecca of choice, but if I had to judge the place off of the encounter Eliphalet Miller Ford IV (protip: kill yourself if your parents give you a name like that) had with the cops, it sounds like a lovely sort of town. Especially if you enjoy snow (PUNS!). Via The Smoking Gun,

According to an arrest affidavit, two patrol officers approached Ford and Laurel Titus, 24, around 2:10 AM after hearing “what sounded like a plastic card striking the stone surface of the bench.” Ford told the cops that the duo was “just hanging out smoking a cigarette.”

But Officer Andrew Atkinson noticed that Ford was crumpling a rolled-up $10 bill in his hands, and that there appeared to be a line of cocaine on the bench.

“There were also two credit cards on the bench not far from the powdery substance,” the affidavit notes.

When asked about the substance, Ford (seen above) reportedly swiped the powder off the bench with his right hand.

Ford realized that swiping away coke in a stupid manner isn’t going to save you from the cops, so it makes sense that upon a flashlight being shone up his nose where the officer discovered a “white cakey substance” Ford decided it was appropriate to say “Of course I have cocaine up my nose. It’s Aspen!”

Can’t say he’s wrong. He WAS in Aspen, so at the very least the guy deserves a blue ribbon for understanding basic geography.

Ford was charged with narcotics possession as well as resisting arrest. After being booked into the Pitkin County jail he was later released on $25000 personal recognizance bond.

[H/T The Smoking Gun]