Florida is one of those places that turns my mind into a bagel. Like everyone and their mother races there for vacation any chance they get, but the place gives Australia a run for its money on the list of landmasses that actively try to kill its inhabitants. I mean, it seems like you can’t go 10 feet without getting bit by something or other. “Hey you want go out for din– oh wait I just got bit by another snake. Let’s hit the road honey, I want to get to the hospital before I lose use of that leg.” This is just further proven by this dude from Florida who got struck by lightning, bit by a spider and then bit by a snake.
“Meet Kyle Cook. He lives in Florida. In the past four years, he has survived:
- a lightning strike
- a venomous spider bite
- a rattlesnake bite
“I need to get a (protective) bubble,” Cook, 31, told the Lakeland Ledger. Either that, or he needs to move out of Florida. Or stay inside the rest of his life.
“He’s a walking Murphy’s law,” his father said. Most recently, Cook was bitten by a rattlesnake in his backyard. He was mowing the lawn when he spotted the snake, which he guesses was about five feet long and as wide as a soda can. He froze in fear then took a step backwards, breaking a branch and startling the snake. It attacked, biting him on the ankle.
“I didn’t even see it bite me,” Cook said. “I just screamed and ran to my wife.”
He was rushed to the hospital where the doctors told him that because he was a “bigger guy,” the snake’s fangs did not penetrate a layer of fatty tissue. “They said the tissue saved my life because it didn’t allow (the venom) to go into the bloodstream,” he said.
But this was only the latest in a string of bad luck incidents Cook has experienced in the past four years. Before the snakebite, Cook was struck by lightning in August 2012. Cook was working on a construction crew, driving a sweeper truck. When a storm came through the area, Cook said the sweeper was stuck and while he was trying to free it, lightning struck 10 feet away. The electric current moved through a puddle and the sweeper’s metal bristles and hit Cook’s left hand. He said he flew backward six feet and was unconscious. He also suffered a mild heart attack.
“It was like Mike Tyson hitting me with a jack hammer in the jaw,” he said.
But that’s not all! In April of that same year, Cook said he was working as a tow truck driver when a recluse spider bit him on his left hand. He continued to work until his hand swelled dramatically. Doctors had to operate to drain the toxins.”
Ok so first of all venomous snakes and spiders are literally the stuff of nightmares and this guy has encountered both. But in all reality, why does he still in Florida? If any of those three things had happened to me, I would have moved. I wouldn’t even have returned home from the hospital. Just wheeled myself out the door and straight to the bus stop. I mean, the bolt of lightning I’ll give him. It’s an act of God. You can struck by lightning anywhere. But bitten by both a venomous spider and a venomous snake? Fuck that. Fuck that right in the face. I give this guy some props for sticking it out. But also, he’s a fucking idiot. Move to a different state. Maybe one where dogs or something will bite you instead. At least they’re cute.