Home for the Holidays: A Definitive Guide in What Not to Do

I haven’t been ‘home for the holidays’ in quite some time. Not because I dislike my family or anything, but because I’ve been living home since college ended and technically can’t go home, because my home, is my parents’ home. Are you still with me? I’m a loser.

Moving forward….I do however remember what it was like to go home for a whole month in-between Fall and Spring semester. Seriously, I’m pretty sure my school let us out on December 20th and we didn’t have to be back until January 27th. If I had a penis, I’d be hard right now. Thinking about having THAT much time off just gets me going.

Ah, to be young.

It’s really easy to be a fucking moron when you’re thrown back into your childhood hometown for that long after fleeing the nest and here’s why. At the end of the day, the break will end, you’ll be able to head back to college where no one knows what you did, and as a result you don’t feel the need to worry about your behavior. Is this sort of logic sound? Sure. Is it healthy? No.

Here’s a novelty idea: Why not avoid being the same person you were at 16-years-old and prove to all those assholes you grew up with that you’ve evolved?

You don’t have to take my advice. Seriously, as I said, you’ll end up back at your dorm swapping stories about whose high school class has more felons and drug addicts in it, but maybe just read it and then see how you feel.


Don’t rekindle anything with a former girlfriend

What’s the point? You broke up for a reason. You don’t need to go dipping your pen back in the high school ink. Leave the past in the past. If you and this gal are meant to be, come back together after college. You’ve got life to live, kid.


Avoid the bad seeds

If you were a bad seed in high school, stop reading, you’re a lost cause. However, if you only dabbled with these people a bit, and then moved onto college, keep it that way. I’d venture to say ‘kids’ are worse now than ever before. By ‘kids’ I mean anyone still in college. You don’t want to end up back in school addicted to meth, vape pens, and hover boards.


Handle your alcohol

I know at school you’re the king of the beer pong table, but you’re not in fraternity-land anymore. You’re home, which means drinking usually occurs at people’s homes, especially if you aren’t 21 yet. I don’t give a shit if you feel too old to ask your mother for a ride, call an Uber then, or walk, whatever, but do not drink and drive. 14 wine coolers at your best bro’s house on New Year’s Eve aren’t worth a DUI. I’m not being preachy, I’m simply saying you don’t want to be that asshole who gets arrested over Winter break—that will definitely follow you back to college.


Wrap it up

If you do plan on ignoring my advice and sleeping with people from home, you might want to make sure you wear a condom (or two). This isn’t amateur hour anymore- remember you’re not just having sex with 1 person; you’re having sex with half The University of We Received Shitty Sexual Education Growing Up.


Don’t talk about college all of the time

We get it, your school is the absolute best and you’ve met so many stellar-new-friends, and you get super-drunk-and-high all of the time!! Rock on!! Nobody likes a show off. Shut your face.


Your mom isn’t your butler

It’s SO easy to regress back into childhood. Seriously, what’s better than relying on your mom to feed you, do your laundry, make your bed, etc.? Nothing is better than that. That’s what. You have to be careful though. All of that fine-tuned-fresh-college-independence you just learned is going to fly right out the window. You can let her cook for you, but draw the line somewhere, before you end


That’s pretty much it-no more or no less. Follow these steps and you’ll back to college feeling like a semi-functioning adult.