Toys used to be simple. They were just the things that little kids played with while you were too busy to watch them because you were in a booze coma. But eventually toy companies realized that in a world with TV and then the Internet and then cell phones and PlayStations and get off my lawn, that they needed to spice things up a bit. Naturally, that’s led to some hilariously inappropriate toys as companies desperately try to get any and every idea to stick.
It probably doesn’t help that adults with neck-beards and a permanent case of 11 year-olditis have entered the toy market, thus perverting the nature of toys even further. I mean, Santa just used to bring little Timmy a bunch of Lincoln Logs back in the day, and now he’s stuck hauling around “collectible” action-figures of Scarlett Johansson with super-extendo titties for big Timmy. It’s a sordid state of affairs.
And so, before we let society get completely carried away with this nonsense, let’s take a moment to step in and remind everyone just how out of hand it’s all gotten with these, eight of the most inappropriate toys of them all.
Oreo Fun Barbie
What the hell? This doesn’t even make sense. Well, at least not as anything other than an ugly racial reference. And that’s exactly how people took this new Barbie when it was released in 1997. Let’s just break it down, shall we?
First, you have the whole Oreo cookie thing. What in the fuck does that have to do with a doll? Yeah, yeah, marketing, corporate symbiosis, blah, blah, blah, dead souls, etc. but there is someone, somewhere, who was actually paid to come up with this. My own soul just shivered.
Second, once you inexplicably have the whole Oreo concept in place, how in the hell do you actually be dumb enough to make her black? If you’re wondering why that’s relevant, check this out…
Third, the term “Oreo” is often used disparagingly to describe someone who’s “black on the outside, but white on the inside.” Given that Barbie is the ultimate stereotypical white girl doll, sticking her with a token black friend called “Oreo Fun Barbie” probably wasn’t the best idea.
Forth, just read “Third” again. Goddamn.
‘Dexter’/’Breaking Bad’ Dolls
I included both of these because it’s basically the same thing: a doll of a wildly inappropriate-for-children TV character. I mean, do I really need to explain this? This is the ultimate example of man-children messing things up for everyone else. Just because they need their mint-condition “collectibles,” you run the risk of finding your kid playing with a serial killer or a meth dealer. Sure, your kid doesn’t know the difference, but you don’t want his teacher hearing him bellow “I’m Walter White!” at recess. That makes for an awkward parent-teacher conference for everyone.
‘CSI’ Fingerprint Examination Kit
There’s nothing like teaching your kids the power of imagination by letting them pretend that they are investigators at a gruesome crime scene. One minute, little Bobby is asking for your fingerprints, the next he’s combing over the house with a tiny blacklight looking for semen stains. That’s not a conversation you need to have.
This actually ended up getting recalled, but not because people realized it was a completely insane and inappropriate toy. No, it was recalled because the finger-print solution actually contained asbestos. I mean, come on, really? What sort of deranged Bond villain came up with this toy? On the bright side, I guess you didn’t have to worry about your children being morally corrupted or damaged since they would just die of the black lung before their 12th birthday. It’s important to keep things in perspective.
Lawn darts are an old classic, but there is no way in hell these could even be sold today. That’s because they’re basically throwing knives for children. During their reign of toy terror, lawn darts were responsible for literally thousands of people being sent to emergency rooms with stab wounds. Look, any time your kid’s toys threaten to turn your front lawn into a scene from a Detroit back alley, it’s probably time to reexamine some things. That’s all I’m saying.
Pole Dancer Dolls
Dolls that look like 7 year-old beauty pageant contestants hanging from a stripper pole. Dolls that look like 7 year-old beauty pageant contestants hanging from a stripper pole. Dolls that look like 7 year-old beauty pageant contestants hanging from a stripper pole. Dolls that look like 7 year-old beauty pageant contestants hanging from a stripper pole. DOLLS THAT LOOK LIKE 7 YEAR-OLD BEAUTY PAGEANT CONTESTANTS HANGING FROM A STRIPPER POLE.
This particular toy was just a cheap plastic toy of an airplane slamming into the World Trade Center inexplicably packed inside of 14,000 bags of candy. Now there’s a fun surprise. This just goes to show you that there is nothing that some enterprising ghoul can’t turn into a “toy.” I’m sure somewhere, there is some freak carefully molding an action figure of dudes getting beheaded in the desert. I eagerly await Ebola Barbie any day now.
Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Laboratory
Occasionally, a completely inappropriate toy managed to slip into Santa’s sack (other than one of Mrs. Claus’ toys, anyway…) way back in the day. This one comes from 1950, and is completely insane. That’s because it was basically a tiny nuclear lab, in which little Oppenheimers could produce minute reactions that would actually give off little doses of radiation. Just read that again.
The “toy” was eventually recalled due to fears that, well, that little kids were being dosed with radiation. You’ve got to wonder how many of them later grew up to have nad cancer or some other horrible affliction. After all, this is real life, not some Marvel universe deal where they get to turn into the Incredible Hulk after playing with this shit all day.
This is the sort of toy that puts everything else in perspective, you know? I mean, say what you will about the other toys on this list, but at least most of them weren’t serial killers. Well, except for Dexter, but that’s different.
Any Toy That Looks Like A Dick/Boner Receptacle/Etc.
You know what I’m talking about. These are everywhere. Whether it’s a Tarzan toy that looks like it’s jacking-off, a Superman with an open mouth like a blow-up doll, or simply just an airplane that is “borrowed” for an hour each night by lonely mothers everywhere, these get produced and marketed every day. Of course, it’s probably all just a manifestation of our collective obsession with sex – and perhaps, more tellingly, our constant attempts to unsuccessfully bury that obsession within our sub-consciences, which then results in things like dick planes and horny Tarzans.
Then again, to paraphrase a possibly apocryphal Sigmund Freud quote, sometimes an airplane is just an airplane. But still, no one wants to come home after a long, hard day and find their toddler carrying around something that you would normally have to buy in the back room of a place called “The Dungeon,” you know? At least let your kids learn about all that shit the way they’re supposed to – by sneaking looks at old issues of Hustler out in the woods with their friends. I guess I’m just old fashioned that way.
Crying boy image by Shutterstock