News broke earlier today that Ryan Lochte had in fact (probably) NOT been robbed at gunpoint during a night out in the lovely, picturesque city of Rio, but had in fact been caught fighting with a security guard at the gas station where they claimed to have been robbed at on camera.
To Lochte’s credit, at least we don’t know which swimmer was the one who exchanged punches with the guard. To Lochte’s discredit, only an idiot would make up a story like that and let it fly on national news. Are athletes getting robbed in Rio? Sure! But it’s been a bunch of irrelevant athletes no one really cares about (sorry but it’s true), so when Lochte came up and spun us this tale of armed police robbing him and three other swimmers, well…unsurprisingly, that shit spread fast.
And now it’s all come crashing down. Bummer for Lochte, but great for us average Joes who get to stand back and laugh at Ryan “Durrr” Lochte gets a new asshole torn open on Twitter:
As with any major news story though, there will be conspiracy theorists – but in this case they’re completely sarcastic, as there’s no way anyone believes Lochte was doing anything other than being an idiot:
Oh, Ryan…we see you haven’t changed a bit: