News broke earlier today that Ryan Lochte had in fact (probably) NOT been robbed at gunpoint during a night out in the lovely, picturesque city of Rio, but had in fact been caught fighting with a security guard at the gas station where they claimed to have been robbed at on camera.
#BREAKING Brazil sources: #RyanLochte + 3 swimmers fabricated robbery story. Video shows swimmer "fighting" w/security at gas station @GMA
— Matt Gutman (@mattgutmanABC) August 18, 2016
#BREAKING Brazilian authorities tell @ABC video shows "US swimmer" "breaking down" gas station restroom door "fighting" w/ security guard
— Matt Gutman (@mattgutmanABC) August 18, 2016
To Lochte’s credit, at least we don’t know which swimmer was the one who exchanged punches with the guard. To Lochte’s discredit, only an idiot would make up a story like that and let it fly on national news. Are athletes getting robbed in Rio? Sure! But it’s been a bunch of irrelevant athletes no one really cares about (sorry but it’s true), so when Lochte came up and spun us this tale of armed police robbing him and three other swimmers, well…unsurprisingly, that shit spread fast.
And now it’s all come crashing down. Bummer for Lochte, but great for us average Joes who get to stand back and laugh at Ryan “Durrr” Lochte gets a new asshole torn open on Twitter:
COPS: Nothing Ryan Lochte says makes sense.
PRESS: About the robbery?
COPS: Robbery?— Mike Scully (@scullymike) August 18, 2016
I think Ryan Lochte thought his wallet got stolen because he couldn't see it and he hasn't developed object permanence yet.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 18, 2016
"Good Evening. I'm Ryan Lochte." pic.twitter.com/dARII8OoQ8
— Danny (@recordsANDradio) August 18, 2016
"Did you get robbed?"
"Jeah"
"Well the Brazilian Government would like to talk with you." pic.twitter.com/svR2fyXLUw
— Nathen Vieira (@NathenVieira) August 18, 2016
Honestly, now would be the perfect time to actually rob Lochte
— myles brown (@mdotbrown) August 18, 2016
https://twitter.com/ashleyxholcomb/status/766099666165465088?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
https://twitter.com/Smarqs/status/766281912453361667
https://twitter.com/Hublife/status/766281713513299968
I imagine this is what was on the video from the gas station during Ryan Lochte's night out. pic.twitter.com/wNinO9h3QM
— Drew Spevak (@DrewSpevak) August 18, 2016
Until we have all the facts we still have to consider Ryan Lochte an idiot until proven guilty. #LochteGate
— Tim Urban (@TheRealTimUrban) August 18, 2016
BREAKING: Ryan Lochte, 3 US swimmers fabricated robbery, video shows 'fighting' with security guard (via ABC) pic.twitter.com/V0zLwqVZQW
— Crying Jordan (@CryingJordan) August 18, 2016
https://twitter.com/lazygarfield/status/766276915581816836
https://twitter.com/davelozo/status/766275149247176704
At least Florida Man Ryan Lochte didn’t kill the security guard & eat his face off.
— Busted Coverage (@bustedcoverage) August 18, 2016
https://twitter.com/WorldofIsaac/status/766270100508901376
https://twitter.com/DavidCovucci/status/766106073216483328
Ryan Lochte & friends before the gas station fight: #LochteGate pic.twitter.com/JHdZjFLnyE
— TrivWorks (@TrivWorks) August 18, 2016
As with any major news story though, there will be conspiracy theorists – but in this case they’re completely sarcastic, as there’s no way anyone believes Lochte was doing anything other than being an idiot:
https://twitter.com/BobbyBigWheel/status/766098982464610304?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Look, all I’m saying is that “Dumb as hell swimmer who travels the world for events” is a REALLY good cover for an international jewel thief
— Brian Grubb (@briancgrubb) August 18, 2016
https://twitter.com/TelcoAg/status/766124287015030787?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
https://twitter.com/owillis/status/766099920654835712?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Oh, Ryan…we see you haven’t changed a bit:
[H/T Uproxx]