ISIS Bans Pigeon Breeding Because Pigeon Dicks Are Offensive To God Or Whatever

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Guys, I know this may be shocking, but ISIS is not acting rationally.

I mean we’re talking about a terror group thats already banned skinny jeans and Nike apparel because “Nike” sounds too similar to the Arabic word for “fuck.” Now a new, more uh, bizarre ban has immediately been written into ISIS’s delusional rule book: pigeon fucking. Or in other words, pigeon Nike-ing.

Senior clerics fighting for the Islamic State in Syria and Iraq claim that the sight of birds genitals as they fly overhead is offensive to Islam, according to the Daily Mail.

Pigeon breeding is a popular pastime in the Middle East, but that will soon change as offenders have been given one week to stop the practice or they’ll receive a public flogging.

According to the official document written in Arabic,

“Whosoever violates it will be subject to consequences of reprimand including a financial fine, imprisonment and flogging.”

This mandate hasn’t come without a warning. Earlier this year, 15 boys had been arrested (at least three of them executed) by ISIS militants after they took exception to the pastime on grounds that it prohibited them from worshipping Allah. The surviving boys’ families were forced to pay a large sum of money for their release after they were snatched from their homes outside of Baghdad.

From the official document:

“[the ban is intended] to put a stop to the greater criminal act of harming one’s Muslim and Muslim women neighbours, revealing the [pigeon’s] genitals and wasting time.”

According to eyewitnesses, ISIS militants have been going door-to-door searching for pigeons, stuffing any birds found into bags and taking them away to be burned.

ISIS, fuck man, where do I start. We are so fundamentally far apart on literally every aspect of life that its useless to find some common interests. Puppies? Nah, fuck puppies? K. Doritos! Doritos are fucking bomb. No, bombs are bombs? K, a little sense of humor wouldn’t fucking kill you. Unfortunately.

There is no part of my being that can see their angle on shit, never mind agree with them. Like do they really think when they meet their creator, she’s going to dap them up and be like “ya pigeon dicks are fucking gross, must’ve been fucked up when I even created them in my image. Glad you bros caught that one though. Oh ya, great work on all those unreasonable beheadings, those people were a DRAG anyway, man.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, gotta go film this pigeon orgy in Central Park and throw it up on PornHub. Really compelling stuff.

[H/T Daily Mail]