Kids Steal A Box Of Cocaine From Their Neighbors Except When They Tasted It They Realized…CHRIST I NEED TO GO VOMIT

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St. Charles County Police Department


Here is some cocaine:

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Shutterstock


Now here are some ashes:

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Shutterstock


Notice how one looks rather lumpy while the other looks smooth like snow. Notice how one is grey and the other is white. Think to yourself how while you ideally shouldn’t eat either substance, if you’re going to taste one of them it may as well be the cocaine because who wants to gum dead people?

Devin M. Gesell (allegedly) does, that’s who!

Gesell is accused of breaking into Debora Matthews’ Missouri home this past November and stealing a necklace worth $500, an Xbox 360, bottles of prescription drugs (oxycodone and morphine), over $800 in cash and a giant box of cocaine. Except, y’know, Gesell and his two unnamed accomplices are stupid and the cocaine was actually Matthews’ father’s ashes. Because if snorting coke up your nose is a good time just WAIT until you snort a corpse!

But when they tasted the ashes, which were in a wooden box, they realized their mistake – and threw the homeowner’s father’s ashes out of the car.

Gessel later told the police they could not remember where they threw them out so police have not been able to retrieve them…

His bail is set at $10,000 cash-only.

His accomplices, ages 15 and 16, were referred to juvenile authorities for charges.

Via Daily Mail

Gesell has been charged with burglary and two counts of theft, but I’ve got a semi-stupid question that needs answering: Are you still a cannibal if the person you’re eating is already dead, or do they have to be alive and have you butcher them like a chicken for it to count? Does eating someone’s ashes make you a cannibal, or just a shithead? #FoodForThought.

[H/T Daily Mail and St. Louis Dispatch, images via Shutterstock]