I’m getting the vibe that a lot of you are happy right now. It’s Friday, and you’re on top of the world. Please allow me to pull the rug out from under you, and put into perspective the fact that we are all DOOMED.
This article from The Independent published today about the essential things we all take for granted that will soon be depleted. Let’s explore, yes?
1. Antibiotics – The world is running out of antibiotics, so we’re all gonna die. We had a good run. Antibiotic-resistant infections are on the rise, and scientists are being bitches and not creating new ones. Hey, scientists, get your shit together. I want to live.
2. Seafood – If we continue fishing at our current rates, we’ll run out of seafood by 2048. That doesn’t really worry me because I feel like the robots will have risen by then, and we’ll have bigger fish to fry, or not fry… because they’ll all be gone. For some reason I blame Captain D’s Seafood for this one.
3. Chocolate – As a result of a worldwide shortage of cocoa, experts are predicting that chocolate will be a luxury item in 2020. Again, this does not bother me. The national average for women’s weight will decline exponentially, and I think that is something we can all get behind.
4. Wine – A recent Morgan Stanley report suggests that the world demand for wine is exceeding its supply. Another trend that will lead to chicks losing weight. This list isn’t as depressing as I thought it was. I can tell you two people who are most certainly not taking this news well –
5. Gold – We’re only two decades away from exhausting the world’s supply of gold. Men everywhere are probably celebrating this news. Honestly, I hope the same thing happens to diamonds. You know how much money dudes waste on buying stupid jewelry for girlfriends and wives? I would be ecstatic if those were no longer on the table. “Sorry, hon, no jewelry present this year because of the shortage or whatever, but here’s a blender.” Everybody wins.