Man Dies At Sperm Bank While Providing Sample

Tragic story coming out of China where a man died while giving a donation TO A SPERM BANK. 23-year-old medical student Zheng Gang was in a private booth of a fertility clinic perusing a “SEXY MAGAZINE” (Magazine? What is this 1987?) to help PRODUCE a sample when he suffered a HEART ATTACK. Medics BROKE DOWN THE DOOR at the Wuhan University fertility clinic after he had been in the room for over two hours. Gang was FOUND UNCONSCIOUS on the floor and despite resuscitation efforts he died at the spank bank. Now some WISECRACKER is going to say, “At least he died doing something he LOVED.” Well that WOULD BE GREAT if he was 92-years-old still cranking out loads, but this was a 23-year-old, there is no good way to die at 23-YEARS-OLD.

Gang’s family sued the UNIVERSITY for $648,545 claiming that the clinic pressured the young man to do the five knuckle shuffle often to provide the precious baby batter. However the lawsuit was dismissed and Gang made it known that he was a PROPONENT of the jizz factory and even encouraged other to make a viscousy donation. Gang’s wife, who is also a STUDENT AT the university, was REWARDED with $3,200 as well as a reduction in her tuition bill, plus assistance finding a job. Hopefully she can find a great job because as her husband found out that they are hard to come by.

I am DISAPPOINTED, but completely not shocked that the New York Post really over-sensationalized the story:

A marathon masturbator in China died after he donated his seed to a sperm bank four times in just 10 days. Zheng Gang was found slumped over and unconscious in a private booth at the Wuhan University facility in Hubei Province after staff noticed he hadn’t come out in two hours. But a court has now ruled that his demise was entirely his fault because he was capable of making his own decisions — including going on a masturbatory frenzy.

Jerking off FOUR TIMES in 10 days is a “marathon MASTURBATOR” and “masturbatory frenzy?” Please. I squeezed my weasel four times while writing this STORY (Which totally explains why my “Caps Lock” button kept sticking).