Military Bro Gets a Cougar to Sit on His Car’s Stick Shift, Plus A Classic Hook Up Fail

This first one comes from a Military Bro who happens to encounter lots of cougars who harbor “nothing to lose” attitudes.

So I've been back from Afghanistan for a bit now, about 3 months. Since being back, I have had almost literally no luck with girls my own age. I get all these hard 8-10 MILFs and cougs. They're always eye'n me up. My buddies all refer to me as old lady candy. No matter if I'm on the mountain, at the bar, just walking around, all these ladies flash the greatest fuck me smiles and eyes non stop.

When I was home on leave before, I meet this old lady, 42-years-old. She's got one kid in college who is my age and the other is 13-years-old. The first time I went out with her, I met her at her house and she immediately starts making out with me. We leave and we're driving for no more than 5 minutes when she says we're going to a bar, because she wants to get drunk and have me fuck her in the alley. I, of course, being a gentleman, oblige the lady of her request.

So we're driving there and she starts grabbing my arm and admiring my sleeve tat, kissing on it and everything. That was my cue to stick my hand down her pants and start taking her to pleasure island while I'm driving — taking intermittent breaks to shift, because safety first. Eventually, I pull over on the highway, and take her mouth on an adventure to Pen-Island. She really enjoyed the trip. She shove her head down it, and all she does is take it, and do some weird thing with her throat, which basically made me fall in love with her.

At this point there's no way in hell I'm waiting till the bar to fuck this old bag of bones. So we drive by this dark section in an unknown neighborhood, and she tells me to pull over in front of this spot. I look, and it's a fuckin' graveyard. Fuck pulling in front of it, I'm going inside it! So we go in, and she immediately starts slobbing on my knob while I've got my hands on her hot spot, and she creams a couple times.

We start doing the crazy in my little car. I make her sit on my shifter, can't believe she got it inside her, since she was tight as hell. But none the less she did, and the vibrations from the clutch are making her squirm. There is nothing I can't do to this chick, that she doesn't dig. Fingers in her ass, she'll suck em off afterwords, bouncing up and down, and grunting when she finishes.

My car is about 2 weeks old. So we have to christen it the right way, and I put her in the driver seat, and have her start squirting all over the place. It was a special occasion.

When it's all done, I drop her off and find out she ditched a guy who's already at her house who's like 25, trying to wife her up. She ditched him with her kid, and came out with me for like 3 hours.

Goes without saying, but I found this chick online, and she can't get enough. I got to bang out my first session in a graveyard and christen my car the way any gentleman should, and she got to see her not so distant future in a good light. 

/Immediately thinks, “Why God? Why can't I find just one chick half as filthy as that? Just give me one, you bastard.”

It's senior year of college. My roommate had just broke off his engagement with his fiance, and is spending every night at the bars getting trashed and fucking any chick who's down. One night, he comes back to our room more drunk than usual. I'm asleep (on the top bunk) and drowsily ask, “you good bro?” He throws me a big thumbs up and then proceeds to sit down on his bed. I roll back over and fall back asleep.

I wake up again to the bed being shaken furiously. I hear a chick moaning and think my bro is nailing some serious ass. After about 45 minutes of this, I hear him crawl out of bed and start walking to the door butt ass naked. He stops at my closet and begins pissing all over my clothes, shoes, etc. I'm too tired to be pissed, so I roll over and fall asleep again.

I wake up the next morning to head to class. He's in bed by himself, passed out. I throw a towel down on the piss puddle in my closet and take off to class. When I get back, he's still in bed but awake. I tell him about the piss, we laugh (because we're true bros). I then ask about the chick he was fucking. He doesn't remember at thing.

He crawls out of bed, sits at his desk, and lays his head on his desk. He suddenly jerked back up and starts rubbing his cheek. “What the fuck is this??”

He asks me. I tell him I have no idea. He starts rubbing it and then confusingly says, “Bro, this is jizz.” I call him a fucking idiot for jizzing on his face and not the chicks, but then…

He starts up his computer and porn is playing on the screen. Again, we look at each other and ask, “what the fuck?” After a few minutes of disbelief we finally piece together what happened.

He had returned to the room by himself, and when I had fallen asleep he had turned porn on and sat on his bed and began doing some serious work on himself (hence the bed shaking). He wrapped up the porn-sesh by jizzing all over himself, and like a true bro, taking a piss afterwards (in my closet). He may not have gotten laid, but this story is better than almost any other hook up story I've ever heard from college.

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[Hot girl in car image via ShutterStock]