Bros, it’s time to for you to both wrap it up AND stop banging millennials. You’re going to need to crawl down into the cougar bars, which means free drinks bought by wealthy older ladies and instead of mints at the door there’s a jar of Werther’s Originals, but your nights of partying and going home with millennials is over.
Why? Because the STD numbers for millennials in NYC have spiked, and as we all know New York is the center of the universe and sets the trend for every other place on the planet…so STD numbers are about to rise everywhere in the known universe. Want your dick to fall off? Keep banging millennials. Do you value your dong and want to hold onto it for years to come? Check out these numbers from The NYPost and act accordingly:
Reports of syphilis have soared by 29 percent in the latest fiscal year to 1,700 — and people under age 34 account for most of them, according to city data.
Health Department figures also showed an increase of 6.5 percent in reported cases of gonorrhea — to 8,514 — and of 6.2 percent in cases of chlamydia — to 32,604 — when comparing Jan. 1 to June 30 of 2016 with the same six-month period in 2015.
The bulk of new cases of sexually transmitted diseases were in the 15 to 34 age range.
“It’s certainly been well documented that among adolescents and young adults, those who are sexually active tend to have multiple serial relationships or concurrent relationships. Within the context of unprotected sex, that could amplify the spread of disease,” said Dr. Susan Blank, a deputy commissioner at the city’s Health Department.
“I think what it underscores is whether there is a decrease [in condom use] or not, the fact is that we need to encourage condom use.”
“The groups that are most affected in New York City and nationally really are young adults, men who have sex with men, and persons of color,” said Blank.
Yeah, no shit there’s a decrease in condom use because condoms are terrible. I’d rather have sex with a bar of soap than wear a condom, and ironically BuzzFeed suggests guys wear a condom when trying to fuck a bar of soap.
Spikes in gonorrhea, chlamydia…what other evidence do you need that it’s time to stop banging millennials? Move on to cougars. They’ll tuck you in after sex and read you a bedtime story. When you wake up your clothes will be neatly folded on the foot stool next to the bed. It’s a win-win for you.