I know that the new thing is to pay homeless people to fight each other and tape it, but I really think that we’re missing the boat on paying nerds to fight each other. There’s something about a bunch of skinny knob-kneed kids who are half the size of their backpacks tossing aside their inhalers and glasses to beat the fuck out of each other that excites me in ways I can’t fully put into words. We wouldn’t even need to pay them in money. Just give the winner a few cheerleaders to make out with and maybe an invite to the local kegger and we’ll be churning out viral nerd videos faster than we can find nerds to fight in them. I mean, just look at how much traffic these reports of a one nerd fights are getting. Imagine like five of these bad boys?
According to the Washington Post, the MSNBC hosted White House Correspondent’s Party afterparty got a bit rowdy when Fox News’s Jesse Waters and the Huffington Post’s White House correspondent Ryan Grim got into a scuffle.
According to witnesses:
Grim and Watters were among a group located in a heated tent just outside the main party area. The two apparently don’t have a personal relationship, but Grim realized who Watters was and recalled a beef he had with the “O’Reilly Factor” correspondent that dated back to 2009, when Watters, known as an “ambush journalist,” had engineered an on-camera confrontation of writer Amanda Terkel, now a HuffPo colleague of Grim. Terkel’s account of the incident was headlined “I Was Followed, Harassed, And Ambushed By Bill O’Reilly’s Producer.”
Grim decided to give Watters a taste of his own medicine, whipping out his camera phone and filming him. Watters didn’t take well to this, eventually snatching the phone away from Grim and putting it in his pocket. Grim set out to retrieve it, and a scuffle ensued. No cinematic sparring or broken beer bottles, witnesses said, but the two flailed around a bit, upending a table and bumping into several people.
“Punches were definitely thrown,” said one witness.
Before any damage was done, several bystanders, including RNC executive director Sean Spicer, separated the two. Spicer said he didn’t see the lead-up to the fight and said he was merely attempting to stay true to the party venue. “Just trying to keep the peace,” he said.
A Fox spokeswoman was not immediately available, but reached for comment, Grim was unrepentant. “Ambush guy can’t take getting ambushed,” he said. “Maybe he should think about his life choices.”
Ok, it’s pretty weird that they’re harassing each other, but I’m not here to take sides. I’m just here to talk about the basic bones of how important nerd fights are to society. Fighting adds layers to people. We as society need our nerds to toughen up a bit. I don’t want the President to be some nerd who has never punched a dude in the face. That’s amatuer hour. I want my nerds to have scarred knuckles and a big brain. Anyone out there who thinks that nerd fighting is a bad thing, you’re in for a rude awakening. Weak nerds sink ships. And the only way to get them is to make the kick each other in the balls for handjobs from cheerleaders.