Ever wonder what it would be like if you didn’t have to sit through another Keeping Up With the Kardashians episode with your significant other? If you never again had to dodge her parents’ loaded questions about your five year plan? If no one ever hassled you about hanging out with your friends too much?
Well, some people, who we’re inclined to call “geniuses” have carved out a life for themselves void of the baggage of a significant other. Simply by making one small change in their lives: forging a relationship with an inanimate object. You know like something that isn’t a living, breathing organism. For example, imagine turning your love of Bacon Jerky from Slim Jim into the real thing. You love it and it (probably) loves you back. And the best part? Slim Jim Bacon Jerky is a portable snack that makes everything better. It’s a 100% real bacon in a convenient go-anywhere, eat-anytime snack. It’s a match!
Sounds crazy, right? Not really. Not if you keep an open mind. Here are eight people who’ve convinced us love doesn’t have to be with a living, breathing thing and a couple honorable mentions who used food as a sign of love.
Eija Marries Berlin Wall
Why wouldn’t she marry a wall? Ya, sure, he may be a little overprotective at times, stonewall her at others, and they are divided on some issues, namely Germany, but you gave your wife a 16-karat diamond ring and the old Berlin Wall shelled out one of the biggest rocks in the world. Thousands of them, to be exact!
Linda Ducharme Marries Bruce, The Ferris Wheel
Like any relationship, Linda and Bruce have their highs and lows, but mostly just dangle somewhere in between, eating cotton candy and forcing conversation. They get in fights when his “equipment” stalls but usually just winds up being a circular argument. But that’s what keeps the relationship spicy.
Linda wanted nothing to do with Bruce when he was locked in a warehouse for 11 months, but once girls started forming lines to ride him, she knew she couldn’t let him slip away. Competition between women is a ferris wheels’ biggest ally.
Plus, Linda let’s Bruce pick up other chicks. Till death do them part.
Nathaniel Marries His Car, Chase
How confident of a man would you be if you could get your girl’s engine running at any point in time? Could you handle the junk in her trunk? That big set of headlights? Does an adventurous woman who can take you places you’ve never been before intimidate you? Of course she would, you’re married to a human.
Nathaniel has dated model cars in the past but says they are “too skinny.”
Liu Ye Marries A Picture of Himself
Here’s a fool-proof way of always being on the same page as your lover: marry yourself. It guarantees you double presents on your birthday and you never have to share your meal with anyone else. Don’t we all kiss pictures of ourselves posing in our high school football uniforms every night anyway? Oh we don’t. Ya us either.
Stephanie Smith Uses Sandwiches To Win A Man Over
The first honorable mention goes to Stephanie Smith, a NY Post writer who used sandwiches to win a man over and eventually get him to propose. Those must have been some delicious sandwiches. We’ll assume they all involved bacon or even Bacon Jerky from Slim Jim. That would win us over in a second.
Lee Jin-gyu Marries a Pillow
When more closely examined, it’s difficult to find the problem with a partner who wants to stay in bed with you all day. Someone so soft and cuddly and doesn’t make you sleep on the couch if you come home drunk, pass out, and drool all over her. And Pillow let’s you sleep with some of her friends. Keeper.
Chang Hsi-hsum Marries Barbie Doll
Move over, Ken. Chang Hsi-hsum is taking everything. The Beach House. The Mini Cooper. The puppy. Everything. Well done, Chang, you gold digger you. Rich, famous, beautiful, and full of silicon. Isn’t this what we all want in a woman?
Richard Torres Marries a Tree
Don’t we all want a grounded partner with deep roots? Richard claims that the tree was infatuated with him when he passed it on his nature hike, which sounds to us like a classic case of ‘big tree, fall hard’. At times the tree can be a little shady and threaten to leave Richard, but Richard assures her that she’s all-bark, no bite. Richard wouldn’t know what to do if she ever leave-d.
Adrienne Dunvan and Eddie Quinones Have A Bacon-Themed Wedding
The second honorable mention goes to Adrienne Dunvan and Eddie Quinones, a couple that loves bacon so much, they had a bacon-themed wedding. Guests celebrated by tossing bacon bits instead of rice, feasted on a bacon-themed wedding cake and noshed on maple-glazed donut covered in bacon bits. Bacon Jerky from Slim Jim would have made a great parting gift for all the guests. We’d leave the wedding a couple times to see if we could score more than one bag. We’d deserve it! Did you see our gift?!?
Jannene Swift Marries a Rock
You know how you call your human wife your “rock”? She’s someone you can confide in, open up to, rely on. Well Jannene just one-upped you and your metaphorical nonsense. She’s thrown so many rocks in the pond waiting to find that special one, which sounds kind of excessive to us. But I can see why, because it makes one hell of a paper weight. And your significant other isn’t half the paperweight rock is.