This Philadelphia Man Has The Best Obituary Ever, Really Liked Jennifer Lawrence And Looking At Boobs
Have you ever read an obituary and then immediately had a moment of deep melancholy, thinking “man, I wish I knew that person.” That’s how I felt after reading about the passing of Philadelphia’s Elwood “Buddy” Segeske III. From the Primos section of Upper Darby in Delco, Segeske died from “a week-long battle with torso failure.” His survivors wrote him the following obituary for the funeral home’s website. It’s one of the best obituary’s I’ve ever read.
Elwood “Buddy” Segeske III, age 60, former soccer player, tool and die maker, and David Bowie look-alike, ate his last Philadelphia soft pretzel on February 25th, 2016. His death followed a week-long battle with torso failure and the lasting effects of a 1992 alien abduction. He was preceded in death by his father Elwood Jr. his mother Margaret nee: Sumlktis. He leaves behind two sons, Kyle and Elwood IV, brothers Stephen and Kevin, sister Lucille (Louann Segeske ) Fleming, step-mother Mickey Segeske-Meister, life-partner Lisa Razzi, whom he met at the local psychiatric hospital, and a battery-operated cymbal-smashing monkey.
Buddy was raised on the mean streets of Kensington, where he claimed the men were men, and so were half the women. He spoke fondly of his childhood friends and those who didn’t end up in prison went on to become carnies, bottle cleaners, master debaters and/or Republicans. Still, despite his neighborhood’s hardscrabble reputation, Buddy says he cried the first time he made love, although it was probably due to the pepper spray.
An avid collector of safety glasses which he kept in the rear cargo compartment of his trusty Dodge Durango, Buddy also had a habit of hanging onto business cards, which made his wallet thicker than George Costanza’s and ultimately required him to undergo back surgery. And although he achieved many things in his life, he was most proud of his years playing soccer, his near-perfect recall of Beatles song lyrics and his ability to hit the urinal cake with pinpoint accuracy.
To relieve stress, Buddy preferred smoking and drinking over yoga, although he did cut a fine figure in yoga pants according to his partner Lisa and an undisclosed number of female (and male) admirers. He also loved playing pool, fishing, stalking Jennifer Lawrence and looking at boobs.
He will be remembered for his contagious smile, sparkling blue eyes, gentle heart and inappropriate sense of humor.
A memorial Mass is scheduled for Saturday at 10 am from the Holy Innocents Parish, 1337 E. Hunting Park Ave., Philadelphia, PA 19124. Family and friends are invited to attend his visitation from 9:00 am until the time of Mass.
That hits right in the feels. On a GoFundMe page for Buddy’s funeral expenses, Segeske’s partner explains that he
He once read a humorous obit and said, “That’s what I want.” He would have loved this.
Damn straight he would. And now Buddy gets to be remembered in his own little way by millions of Internet strangers who *also* love Jennifer Lawrence and looking at boobs.
Pour one out. RIP, Buddy.