The Best Excuse For Having Sex With A Pit Bull That I’ve Heard Today Is From The Guy Who Said ISIS Told Him To Do It



I’ll admit that I’m not expert on ISIS, but I have a slight, slight feeling that they have more “important” things to do than tell some naked dude in Connecticut to go bang his neighbor’s dog. Then again, what do I know? Maybe it’s all part of some elaborate scheme where they send out thousands upon thousands of dog-fuckers and somehow America gets destroyed by all the bestiality everywhere.

But probably not.

Waterbury Police are investigating after a woman had to confront a naked man at gunpoint while he allegedly performed sexual acts on her pit bull Tuesday morning. The man is believed to be suffering from mental health issues.

“I thought my dog had killed somebody, because I saw a man underneath her,” said Alice Woodruff. “I started to scream. I had a citronella candle and I threw it at him, screaming get off my dog, you have to get out of here. He said no! Today is the day we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.”

Alice Woodruff lives in Waterbury, she says on Tuesday at 10 a.m. she found a man attacking her dog Layla, who she describes as an aggressive rescue pit bull who they keep on an 800-pound tow chain in the back yard; however, Woodruff says Layla was calm during the attack.

“He pranced through the yard naked, yelling ‘this is our day and you have to prosper in it,’” said Woodruff. “‘ISIS sent me,’ and I was thinking ‘did something like this just land in my back yard?’ I ran in, got my gun out of the bedroom…


After firing a warning shot into the ground, Naked Dog Fucker began to walk towards Woodruff, telling her to kill him but then warning that as soon as she killed him, they would both die. Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m trying to convince someone to shoot me then probably the worst way to go about it is to drop the casual fact that “Oh hey and btw, right after you kill me you’ll die too. Hooray!”

According to WTNH, Alice was understandably freaked out by the naked man humping her dog, but also felt compassion for him.

“I knew he needed help, and I knew there was something going on,” said Woodruff. “I have been in the field for so long there is no help for these people…”

“I don’t want him to harm anybody else,” said Woodruff. “Somebody else might have killed him, and he was only 22.”

Alice is a goddamn saint, whereas I would’ve probably shot the guy in the foot just to watch him hop around my back yard.

[H/T Gawker, header image via Shutterstock]