Polar Vortex 5 Is Here to Say ‘Fuck Your Spring’

It’s really, really, really, really, really never going to end, is it? Winter. It’s going to last forever. Though the calendar will flip and the months will soon read ‘May,’ ‘June’ and ‘July,’ we will all still be smothered under snow and still swathed in fleece because guess what, although Spring is technically supposed to be here in three days, IT’S ABOUT TO GET FUCKING COLDER.

“It would not appear that winter is done yet,” said Gary Szatkowski, meteorologist-in-charge at the National Weather Service’s Mount Holly office. “The overall pattern doesn’t show any signs of changing and it would be one where the majority of days are colder than normal. There’s really no signs of anything changing.

And yup, the cause behind this 14 billionth cold front of the year is the Osnowma Bin Laden of winter, the polar vortex.

The United States has been more-or-less locked in the same weather pattern all winter – one where a large ridge of high pressure remains entrenched in the west, conversely forming a trough in the east. That trough has allowed Arctic air to continue to spill into the region from New Jersey’s north, producing the seemingly never ending spells of bitter cold the state has dealt with for the last several months

Fuck that weather system. Fuck it so hard. It deserves the death penalty. It’s keeping things 20 degrees lower than normal across the Northeast. TWENTY! Death to it. Death to all. Death to everything. Fuck life.


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