McDonald’s
To put it bluntly, McDonald’s needs to stop tickling our nuts with this “we’re going to sell breakfast all day, but not really” nonsense. There’s emotional trauma and then there is the feeling you have when you get to McDonald’s at 10:29am only to see the kindly old cashier lady stare you down and spin the menu wheel from breakfast to lunch. What hero psychopath genuinely wants a Double Quarter Pounder at 10:30 in the morning? I mean, I’d eat one, but it wouldn’t be my first choice.
Well bros, it looks like McDonald’s is applying the feather to our testicles once again with a few breakfast all-day test runs throughout the country. My trust levels are at an all-time low, Mickey D’s, but god dammit I can’t quit you. So, to commemorate the special occasion that is probably never going to happen, I think it’s appropriate that I rate all of the items on the McDonald’s breakfast menu in a wildly inconsistent and borderline arbitrary manner based loosely on the binary Twitter ranking system of “classic” or “trash.”
Fruit ‘N Yogurt Parfait
Rating: Unattended Dumpster Fire
Review: Take your mature palate to Panera with this bullshit. If you order this in a crowded line of people trying to get their cholesterol fix, you’re an undercover cop that actively tries to absorb all the molecules out of the sky that resemble fun.
Egg McMuffin (includes all varieties that feature an egg, cheese, and some meat)
Rating: As many flame emojis that can fit in a text box
Review: The staple, the standby, old faithful, whatever you want to call it, the Egg McMuffin is on Mt. Rushmore of iconic sandwiches. I always appreciate how McDonald’s tries to use what looks like a real egg just to make us feel good about ourselves. Mad considerate.
Egg White Delight
Rating: Slightly fewer flame emojis than the Egg McMuffin
Review: Look, I get it. Your hands were tied; Morgan Spurlock made a documentary, and you had to release some “healthier” options. Granted, it’s much, much shittier than the similar option that has been around for decades, but the dedication to compliance is there.
Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit
Rating:
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Review: Is it just me, or is McDonald’s bacon kind of wack? Perhaps this has been the elephant in the room for decades, but the bacon is not at all on par with the sausage patty which, in bacon’s defense, has to be seasoned with crack cocaine. Everything about this sandwich is A1 aside from the pork. Pork = Pig = cop = wack = bacon. Math.
Sausage, Egg, & Cheese Biscuit
Rating: *Ascends into heaven because #blessed and #highlyfavored*
Review: In my humble opinion, this sandwich is the GOAT. As I mentioned before, the sausage has to be laced with crack-cocaine and the biscuit, fake egg, and runny government cheese are the perfect icing on the clogged aortic cake.
“Everyone has a plan (of what to order) until they get punched in the mouth (sees the Sausage Egg & Cheese Biscuit on the menu)” – Mike Tyson alluding to what it’s like when he goes to McDonald’s to order breakfast
Sausage Biscuit
Rating: Handjob
Review: You’re not upset by any means, but you definitely recognize that there were plenty of better options out there when you order the Sausage Biscuit. Similar to a handjob, the Sausage Biscuit is kind of barren, rough around the edges, and soulless. The purgatory of breakfast sandwiches.
McGriddles (includes both Sausage, Egg, & Cheese and Bacon, Egg, & Cheese, and because dem buns got maple syrup in them, baby!)
Rating:
EJ
Review: Probably the most revolutionary and polarizing sandwich in breakfast food history. Someone really surrounded a breakfast sandwich with mini-pancake buns infused with syrup. Real talk, the McGriddle let me know that we can actually live on Mars someday. It also lets me know where I’m at from a cardiovascular standpoint. If I only clutch my chest 1-3 times while eating a McGriddle, I don’t HAVE to go to the doctor for 6 months. WebMD in a sandwich.
Bacon, Egg & Cheese Bagel
Rating: You wanted a Gameboy for Christmas and Mom bought this instead and now you hate her
Game Joy
Review: You wanted bacon, but you got something that makes you want to commit homicide. You wanted a bagel, but you got a Frisbee. Everything is terrible. Why would you order this?
Steak Egg & Cheese Bagel
Rating: ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Review: The steak is kind of fire, but you know deep down in your blackened, overworked heart that this shit ain’t steak. The one time that I ate this sandwich, I started Googling “number of possible undiscovered animal species on Earth” to get the brain swirling on what I possibly could have eaten. At the moment, I have to assume that the region is Central/South America and I’m more or less wavering on the Chupacabra. So, um, we’re eating Chupacabra and they are surprisingly delicious.
Big Breakfast
Rating: w/Hot Cakes tho?
Review: No hot cakes tho? Review listed as “Incomplete” for lack of interest.
Big Breakfast w/Hot Cakes tho
Rating:
moon face
(FYI, the moonface emoji is the closest I’ll get to a happy black person emoji that doesn’t look like an Indian. Obama needs to stop messing around)
Review: This is a treat. An absolute treat. Yeah, it’s a deconstructed McGriddle, so what? Stop being a nerd. You’re in control of your domain with this meal. Pour as much syrup and butter as your crumbling internal infrastructure will allow and eat until you stop respecting yourself.
Pro Tip: Out of all the meals on the McDonald’s breakfast menu, this is the most judge’y. People are going to stare. But alas, haters gon’ hate.
Cinnamon Melts
Rating: ????????
Review: SINCE WHEN WERE THESE ON THE MENU, YO.
Southern Style Chicken Biscuit
Rating: “Of course YOU ordered that”
Review: As we all know, since like 1619, 2015 has been trash from a racial standpoint. Can’t ruffle any feathers, as a black dude, by ordering a Southern Style Chicken Biscuit in a Northeastern regional McDonald’s at 9:45am. Don’t want to deal with the ramifications of knowing that the cashier already rang me up before I even said anything.
Sausage Burrito
Rating: Nah
Review: If you put a tortilla around something, that doesn’t make it a burrito. Plus, where’d you get those peppers from? This is the only menu item that requires peppers. Are those even peppers? Nah, yo.
Hash Browns
Rating: Possibly poison, but also 25 red ‘100’ emojis
Review: Maybe I have an allergy, perhaps I’m just a bitch, but every time I eat McDonald’s hash browns, my throat itches and I basically die a little bit. Do I stop ordering them? Fuck no. Did you see how many 100 emojis I used to describe their realness? I’d be crazy to stop eating these out of fear of such silly things like death.
Fruit & Maple Oatmeal
Rating: Go to the club with your flyest outfit on, pick up no girls.
Review: Oatmeal is on the menu so you can tell people that you got oatmeal at McDonald’s. It’s for the people that want others to think they’re economical, but also health-conscious. Can’t pick up women at the club by telling them “Hi, I paid off my student loan debt in three years” the same way you can’t get anyone’s respect by eating McDonald’s oatmeal.
For real, though, if McDonald’s blue-balls me again, I may have to start a riot. Or write a strongly worded letter to someone that inevitably won’t read it. Either way, I’ll be steamed.
McDonald’s Breakfast served all day = Dr. Dre releasing ‘Detox’